Charlie Parliament and the Blood Gem and also I am drunk

Detective Charlie Parliament was in no mood for games.

“I’m in no mood for games,” Detective Charlie Parliament growled as he slammed his fists down on the table. “You expect me to believe there’s some magical ‘blood gem’ that was stolen from you by the Russian mob, who are actually vampires?”

His client, a tall sexy brunette with all of the right proportions that a fat-shaming shitlord like Charlie Parliament would appreciate, stepped back in surprise of his sudden outburst.

“Yes sir,” she crooned. “You see, a Russian Vampire broke into my house and-”

SUDDENLY, a Russian Vampire kicked down the door of Charlie’s Private Detective Office, and hissed in Russian, which is just like regular hissing.

Charlie Parliament, with lightning-fast reflexes, drew his pistol from his side-holster, and filled the Russian Vampire full of lead.

“Oh lordy oh my!” exclaimed the client, who also had a name that was, I don’t know, Sandra? “How brave you are, Mr. Parliament!”

“That’s Detective Parliament, ma’am,” he replied coolly. “Now my only question is, if the Vampire Russians already have the blood gem, why are they still after you?”

“It’s because I alone have the power to stop them now that they have it!” she explained. “I can nullify the magic in the stone, turning it into just a gross solid hunk of blood.”

“Listen toots, I don’t know nothin’ about no magic. What I do know is that I hate Russians, and all other people coming into my country, unwelcome. Blacks, Hispanics, those damn drunken Irish.”

Charlie Parliament is racist. It’s a character flaw and everyone has them.

so Charlie Parliament and Sandra hustled over to the Russian Mob hideout, and peeked inside a window.

Inside, the Russian Vampires were all drinking vodka mixed with blood.

Now would be the perfect time to strike, thought Parliament.

And so he did.

He pushed open the door to the seedy nightclub, and drew dual pistols from his sides.

“Hey, ruskies! The wall may have fallen, but I am the wall of the night that protects the innocents from the likes of you!”

The Russian Vampires never had a chance to retaliate as Charlie Parliament emptied both of his firearms into the face of every Russian Vampire in the club.

He then got a lap dance and tipped generously.

“Well, it looks like this case is closed,” remarked Charlie Parliament.

“No, it’s just begun. While you were killing everyone, the blood gem was captured by, I don’t know, Irish vampires?”

“Yeah ok whatever. Let’s go back to the office and come up with a game plan.”

“Would it include making sweet love to me, Mr. Parliament?” Sandra whispered hotly.

“Please, call me Detective Charlie Parliament. And I’m sorry, but I’m duty-bound to only sleep with my clients after I’ve finished their jobs. It’s the Surly PI Code.”

“I understand,” she said, though obviously disappointed. “Would you mind if I stayed over tonight?”

“Yes, I think I have a cot in the closet you can fit on.”

TO BE CONTINUED maybe o god im tired.

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