Star Wars: The Fett Awakens part IX

Gundam Fett was tired of playing games with Mace Windu.

So he called him on his cellphone.

“Ey, yo, Windu.”

“How did you get this number?” demanded the Jedi.

“Never you mind that, jerkoff. I’m on my way to get the weapon.”

“NO.”

“Yes, the opposite of ‘no’. And when then we’re coming for your head. Prick,” Gundam Fett slammed the phone into the ground, hanging it up. by breaking it.

“Fett, what the hell was that about?” asked 8R.

“My boy Jackson’s been storing something for me for a rainy day. You might call it my ace-in-the-hole.”

“I’m not calling it that.”

“What is it?” asked Mandalorian Chick.

“I’ll tell you, sweet-cheeks. It’s a Jedi’s worst nightmare. It’s a lightsaber that can cut through other lightsabers.”

“What the living fuck?”

“YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT. IT’S A BETTER LIGHTSABER. I BUILT A BETTER LIGHTSABER.”

“What? How? When? Where? Why? … What?”

“A better lightsaber, because I’m a genius, around a year ago, at a little workstation I built in the Starvek System, because I wanted to kill Jedi easier… A better lightsaber.”

“Well, that explains that,” remarked 8R, satisfied.

“But if you built this weapon, why not keep it on you?” questioned Mandalorian Chick.

“I did, for a while. Several years, in fact. I hid it with my boy Jakin when I learned Mace was alive. I couldn’t risk him getting it if he killed me. If he had it, no one in the entire god damn Universe could kill him. I wasn’t confident enough in my skills to face him, even with it. Mace freaking Windu is just too damn good.”

“That sucks.”

“But now that I’m a living freaking mech, I will fuck him up so bad it’ll be hilarious. I want you guys to make sure you record it. Put it on SpaceBook and tag me.”

“Yeah, okay.”

The ship landed abruptly on a small, blue planetoid.

“We’re here,” said Gundam Fett.

“Yeah, no shit,” sassed Mandalorian Chick.

“God, you’re hot,” replied Fett, exiting the ship to greet an approaching alien. It was, green or something, I don’t know. With two heads, but only one talked. And it had weird legs. An alien. Whatever.

“Yo, Jakin. Where’s the saber?”

“There’s a problem, Fe- whoa, the fuck happened to you?”

“Mace Windu cut off my head and I’m a gundam now.”

“Okay, if you say so. Look, Fett. The saber was stolen by the Resistance!”

“Oh, NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO-”

“FETT, LISTEN- they’re still here. My boys were able to disable their ship before they were killed. On the other side of the mountain, that’s where they’re camped out, waiting to be evacuated probably.”

“If we can get to them in time, they’re deader than shit,” said 8R.

“But if not, they’ll no doubt give the saber to Windu,” said Mandalorian Chick.

“You must be careful, friends,” said Jakin, “They’ll no-doubt try to use that weapon on you. Not even your mechanical body will be able to stand up to it, Fett. An average lightsaber, sure. But not that beast.”

“Thank you, Jakin. We need to borrow your car now fam.”

“Why not? All of my friends and family are dead, I have nothing to live for.”

“That’s the spirit,” said Fett, taking the keys.

He hopped in the flying car.

“Hop in, folks. We’re going to go kill some Resistance scum.”

“Shotgun!” called Mandalorian Chick, grabbing a shotgun and getting into the backseat. Ha-ha, very funny, right?

But something troubled 8R.

“I sense a disturbance…” he said.

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, broski. Come on, let’s get moving.”

8R hesitantly entered the vehicle and they took off toward the Resistance camp.

To Be Continued…

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