Severus Snape: The Potions Master Who Died to Live Another Day

Severus Snape lit a cigar.

On the other side of this door was Lord Voldemort, history’s biggest asshole-wizard. A sociopath with no nose, but much magical talent.

What Voldemort had never counted on though, was Snape coming back from the dead with a grenade launcher, killing all of his Death Eaters, and sending an army of snakes to bite him right in the dick and trap him inside a classroom, with the entire staff of Hogwarts right outside.

“Come on out, Tom,” said Severus.

“NO, FUCK YOU,” shrieked Voldemort.

Severus took a puff of his cigar. Magical Cuban. Illegal, expensive, and sexy. He had been saving it for a special occasion, like killing the worst magical criminal of all time.

“We can do this the easy way, or we can do this like my dick. Rock-hard.”

“I’LL NEVER SURRENDER!” Voldemort hissed, “I’M DESTINED TO RULE THE WORLD!”

Snape sighed and pulled a revolver out of his robe. It was engraved with the name “Lily”, after the woman he loved.

“I’m coming in there, Tom. I’m coming in there and shooting you right in your bitch-ass head.”

“YOU WILL DIE IF YOU TRY SEVERUS!”

Severus Snape kicked the door open to be greeted with a Killing Curse firing out of Voldemort’s wand. But Snape had anticipated this, and in the same movement as his kick, he leaned back Matrix-style and dodged the curse. It flew out the door and into a wall, ineffectual and pathetic. Just like Voldemort now.

In a split second, Snape made the decision to discard his revolver, and instead grabbed Voldemort’s wand, still in the Dark Wizard’s hand, and snapped it in half.

“WHAT THE FUCK, BRO!?” shrieked Voldemort, and he tried pushing Severus.

But not only was Severus a master of potions, he was also a master of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

He grabbed Voldemort’s arm, and got him in a standing arm bar.

“OW, FUCK!” the Dark Wizard screamed in agony, tapping out immediately. Referee Flitwick called the match.

But Severus Snape wasn’t having any of it, not anymore. He broke Voldemort’s arm and was disqualified. But he didn’t care. He might lose his belt, but the Wizarding world would be safe- and that’s all that mattered to him in that moment.

A tear rolled down his cheek as he thought of Lily, and he knew that she’d be so proud of him. Indeed, as she watched from Wizard Heaven, Lily was regretting leaving Severus for that punk James. Severus’s dick was way thicker and longer, and half the time James couldn’t even keep it up. Oh well, no use crying over dead lovers.

Voldemort was carted away to be sent to Azkaban, where the the hooded soul-sucking goofballs no longer floated guard. The prison was now manned by a skeleton crew of witches and wizards, and was largely kept running by a number of charms to prevent escape.

His final words before he was loaded up into the Wizard-Ambulance rung in Severus Snape’s ears.

“I’M GOING TO ESCAPE, SEVERUS. I’LL BE BACK BY WIZARDMANIA 20, AND I WILL TAKE YOUR TITLE FROM YOU.”

Severus began searching for a gym. If Voldecuck wanted a rematch, he wouldn’t be disappointed.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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