Captain Jacobs and the Invaders

“AY! Captain! There be somethin’ in the sky!” called young the lookout from the crow’s nest of the Fuckin’ Boat, a small privateer ship crewed by the most talented men Jacob Jacobs had ever known.

Captain Jacobs opened his telescope and peered into the sky. Indeed, there seemed to be a big effin’ ship shaped like a stupid frisbee in the sky, flying the colors of Captain Alienschmo- the meanest sky-pirate to ever terrorize the entire planet.

“Listen men!” shouted Jacobs, “They mean to board us! Draw your swords and look out for their magic muskets!”

And then, twenty tiny grey aliens jumped out from the enemy ship, and started singing.

“WE ARE THE SPACE PIRATES, WE’RE GONNA TAKE YOUR SHIT.
WE’RE GONNA KILL YOU ALL AND DROP YOU IN A PIT
SURRENDER NOW AND DON’T HAVE A FIT!”

They continued singing as they engaged the human-pirates and the ship broke out in chaos as the aliens fired their big-ass laser guns, known to the men as “magic muskets”, which disintegrated any person unfortunate enough to get hit by one.

But what the aliens hadn’t anticipated was that Captain Jacobs had recruited these men because they were all experienced alien-hunters, wearing human costumes. With the speed that could only come from 8 legs, they ripped off their disguises and revealed their true forms-

giant spidermen, standing on 6 legs and dual-wielding maces with their other two.

“Oh fuckingg lord!” cried one of the aliens, and he shot himself in the face to escape the horror.

The aliens’ gunshots were ineffective against the spidermen’s armor, simply thudding against it weakly. The spidermen beat the ever-loving shit out of the remaining aliens, and took several prisoners, which they wrapped up in webs. Obviously.

“I’m such a fucking genius,” laughed Captain Jacobs, and he shot at the alien ship with a grapnel gun, hooking into its side.

“Spidermen, keep an eye on our prisoners. I’m going to board their ship and see what booty I can tap.”

The spiders hissed and nodded in acknowledgment.

Captain Jacobs had a huge fucking grin as he imagined what could be on the ship for him to loot, as the gun retracted and brought him up into the air to the alien pirate ship.

But suddenly, something struck him in his leg.

“Ow, fuck,” he said, looking down.

It was an arrow.

He looked down at his ship. It was being boarded by fucking mermaids.

“Oh shit, son. The mermaids are working together with the alien-pirates?” he whispered.

He could only hope that his crew could hold them off without him, as he reached the alien ship and pulled himself on board.

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