To celebrate Christmas, I’ve compiled the entirety of Star Wars: The Fett Awakens into a single pdf for your reading convenience.
Please enjoy, and have a Merry Christmas!
“Jesus Christ I can’t believe it’s already been 18 parts,” said TR-8R.
“Did you say something?” asked Mace Windu.
“No, probably not.”
The two friends skipped through a meadow, not a care in the world.
“What do you think Fett’s doing right now?” asked 8R.
“He’s trying to assassinate Supreme Leader Snoke,” replied Mace wisely.
“What makes you think that?” asked 8R.
“I’m watching him in my telescope lol. Here, look.”
8R took the telescope and peered through at the neighboring planet.
Gundam Fett was creeping up on the Order base with a sniper rifle.
“Why’s he doing that?” asked 8R.
“He’s probably pissed that no-one loves him,” replied Mace Windu sadly.
“But that’s wrong. I love him. He’s my brother :(” said 8R.
“Then why don’t you tell him that?” said Mace, handing him a megaphone.
“FETT! FEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTT!” yelled 8R.
Fett looked up, and so did everyone else on the planet.
“YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS!” SAID 8R LOUD AS HELL.
Captain Phasma took out a megaphone and shouted back at him.
“TR-8R, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?”
“I’M SORRY CAPTAIN, BUT RIGHT NOW I’M TALKING TO MY BROTHER!” said 8R.
Captain Phasma nodded and handed the megaphone to Gundam Fett, who started crying into it.
“B-BUT I’M SAD! PALPATINE WAS LIKE A DAD TO ME AND FUCKING MACE WINDU KILLED HIM! AND- AND HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO TEACH ME HOW TO RESURRECT THE DEAD SO I COULD BRING BACK THAT HOT MANDALORIAN CHICK!”
“I can still teach you that, my son,” said PALPATINE WTF?! yooooooooo.
Gundam Fett turned around to see his elderly evil Sithdad standing with his arms outstretched. WITH ARMS WIDE OPENNNNNNNNN
“YOU’RE ALIVE?!” said literally everyone.
“Yeah, of course I am. I can resurrect the dead, so I resurrected myself lmao.”
Mace Windu nodded in acknowledgement. He may not be able to ever kill the old fuck, but at least he knew he was the superior swordsman.
“So what do you say we kill Supreme Leader Snoke… together? :)” said Palpatine.
“OK dad!” said Gundam Fett and they started moving toward Supreme Leader Snoke’s chair. Kylo Ren and Captain Phasma jumped in their way.
8R spoke up again,
“HEY PHASMA, I’M KIND OF IN LOVE WITH YOU, CAN YOU NOT FIGHT THEM CUZ LIKE, I DON’T WANT YOU TO DIE?”
Captain Phasma grabbed the megaphone from Gundam Fett,
“TR-8R, YOU KNOW I CAN’T DO THAT. MY ALLEGIANCE IS TO THE ORDER.”
TR-8R turned to Windu.
“Mace, what do I do?”
Mace Windu always knew what to do when it came to women. If 8R was going to get some sweet, sweet Phasma pussy, he couldn’t interfere with her defending the Supreme Leader. So it was up to Mace goddamn Windu to make sure that everyone would get laid.
Mace Force-jumped at Phasma and Force-pushed her out of the way. Then he Force-flipped and did a Force-kick at Kylo Ren, and then Force-flipped again toward Phasma and Force-kicked her gun out of her hand and started doing some light Force-Karate at her.
8R knew what he was doing: ACTING so he could rush in and save Phasma. What a fuckin’ guy, that Mace Windu. He stole a jetpack from a nearby merchant and boosted onto the planet.
Meanwhile, Gundam and Palpatine started punching the shit out of Snoke. He couldn’t get his lightsaber because he was too busy being punched.
“NOOOOOOOOO THIS IS BULLSHITTTTTTTTTTT” he said, beginning to die.
“MY LORD!” yelled Kylo Ren, as he rushed toward them.
BUT HOLY SHIT, MANDALORIAN CHICK OUT OF NOWHERE-
She grabbed Kylo Ren and put him in a rear naked choke hold. Go the fuck to sleep, Ren.
Gundam Fett got butterflies in his stomach and a semi-hard on. God damn she was hot.
“You’re ALVIE?!” he gasped.
“Yeah duh, I was just faking it,” she laughed, placing Kylo on the ground.
“But why?!” he demanded. This dame had put him through a rollercoaster of emotions worse that Kingda-fucking Ka.
“I realized I was messing with your head, and that if you were going to have any hope at all of finishing your mission, that I’d need to be out of the picture. I just didn’t realize how much fucking weird shit was going to happen.”
“I-I love you,” said Fett.
Fett turned to 8R, who was fake-fighting Mace Windu.
“Did you get that reference, 8R? She’s so fucking sassy, Jesus Christ I love her so much I’d genocide a fucking planet for her.”
“I’m really happy for you, man,” replied 8R as he lightly punched Windu in the head.
“OH NO, I AM DEFEATED!” cried Mace as he fell over.
Phasma wasn’t buying this shit for a fucking second.
“That’s some pitiful acting. TR-8R, I realize that you have feelings for me, but as long as the Order-”
“GUYS, LOOK, SNOPE DIED FROM THE BEATING WE GAVE HIM!” laughed Palpatine.
Phasma grabbed 8R and pulled him close to her, flipping off her helmet. He did the same, and the two shared their first, passionate kiss.
“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” teased Fett.
“They’re going at it tonight,” said Mandalorian Chick, “Hey, speaking of which, what do you have going on down there?”
“I, uh, installed a vibrating mech-cock,” said Gundam Fett, moving toward his grl.
“Oooooooookay, let’s get going Mace,” said Palpatine, lifting the Jedi to his feet.
“What does this mean for the Order? For all of us?” asked Phasma.
“Uh, let’s all just chill the fuck out and stop killing each other,” said Mace Windu.
“Agreed, I’m just happy Snoke is dead lol. He was a cunt.” said Palpatine.
AND SO, THE LONG WAR BETWEEN THE SITH AND THE JEDI WAS FINALLY OVER. CAPTAIN PHASMA CONTINUED LEADING THE STORMTROOPERS ON MISSIONS TO BRING FOOD AND WATER TO SHITHOLE PLANETS, BRINGING TR-8R WITH HER WHEREVER SHE WENT. GUNDAM FETT AND MANDALORIAN CHICK BANGED THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF EACH OTHER AND PROCEEDED TO GO ABOUT THEIR SEPARATE BOUNTY-HUNTING WAYS, FOREVER HOLDING A FLAME FOR EACH OTHER, AND HOOKING UP WHENEVER THEY WERE IN THE SAME AREA.
PALPATINE AND MACE WINDU BEGAN THE NEW JEDITH ORDER, TEACHING OTHERS HOW TO USE LIGHTSABERS AND THE FORCE AND SHIT, BUT NOT HAVE RIDICULOUS FUCKING MONK-HORSESHIT LIKE NOT BEING ALLOWED TO HAVE SEX. AYYYY. KYLO REN WAS THEIR FIRST STUDENT, AND FINALLY GOT HIS SHIT TOGETHER.
“Okay, so who’s the backup?” asked 8R.
“Yeah, I called the Resistance lmao,” said Gundoom.
“Okay, why did you think that was a good idea?”
Gundo- okay forget it, one second.
“By the way, 8R. Please, just call me Gundam Fett.”
“You don’t want to be Darth Gundoom anymore?”
How’s that for character development?
“I called the Resistance so while they and the stormtroopers are all killing each other, we can deal with the Sith.”
“Okay, I guess? But whoever wins is still going to want to kill us. Your plan relies on every single Resistance fighter and every single stormtrooper all killing each other.”
Gundam Fett wasn’t amused.
“No, jackoff. The Resistance now thinks we’re on their side. All we have to do is let them do their thing. As long as they beat the stormtroopers, we’re golden.”
“And if all the stormtroopers are dead, then we’re not even going to have an Order to rule over.”
“Oh god you’re right, everything is fucked. Okay wait… I have an idea.”
Gundam Fett pulled out his phone and made 2 calls.
“I gave the Resistance a new address, and then I told Snoke to meet us for a showdown LOL.”
“How do you have everyone’s phone number?”
“I’m Boba Fett.”
“WAIT. Do you smell that?”
“THAT’S RIGHT, MOTHA FUCKAS.”
Mace Windu jumped out of a comet and kicked Gundam Fett right in the crotch.”
Fett fell over and meditated on where everything went wrong.
“It’s just you and me now, stormtrooper,” laughed Mace Windu.
“So, you killed Palpatine.”
“Of course I killed Palpatine, he’s a punk bitch. I’m Mace Windu,” announced Mace Windu.
“Want to be friends?” asked 8R.
“Yeah, let’s go,” said Mace, and they took hands and flew away.
“TRAITORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!” roared Gundam Fett, shaking his fists and firing missiles all over the damn place.
“Sorry Fett, you just need to get your shit together,” said 8R as he and the Jedi Master disappeared into teh sky.
Gundam Fett was truly alone. No qt gf, no apprentice, nothing.
This was his element, where he was at his best. He basked in the loneliness for a moment and felt his bounty-hunter instincts kick back in. He knew what he had to do.
“I’m going to assassinate literally everyone” he said to himself.
“Starting with… SUPREME LEADER SNOKE.”
to be continued…
“Gooood, gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood!” cackled Palpatine as Gundoom and 8R sparred with their bitchin’ sweet lightsabers.
“You’re pretty good, 8R,” said Gundoom, parrying a swing from his clone brotha.
“Thanks fam, it’s probably in my genes or something.”
The Emperor clapped his wrinklyass hands together.
“That’s enough for today, boys! Dinner’s ready!”
He took out some rattlesnake people’s limbs which had been cooked by Darth Gundoom’s flamethrower.
“Thanks dad!” said Darth Gundoom, like a fucking idiot 1st grader, “O-oops!… Sorry…”
“No… no, it’s okay… you can call me dad…”
Darth Gundoom’s robot-eyes filled with robot-tears. Long had he been searching for a father figure since the death of Jango Fett.
“Okay… dad! :)” he said cheerfully.
“I hate to break this up guys, but Mace Windu’s here.”
“I’M HERE, MOTHERFUCKERS,” roared Mace Windu, flashing his new robot-arm which was actually a lightsaber. And he had another one. So he was like, dual-wielding them.
“I’ll take care of this, boys. Go. Run. I’ll meet you at the base of the Order, and we’ll complete our plan!”
“Yeah okay,” said 8R.
“But DAD!” cried Darth Gundoom.
“DON’T ARGUE WITH ME, BOY. ONLY I CAN DEFEAT MACE WINDU AT HIS CURRENT POWER LEVEL,” roared Palpatine as he launched a Force-tornado at Mace Windu.
But Mace Windu summoned a Force-monsoon and knocked it away.
“You’ll have to do better than that, Sith bitch,” he said smug as shit.
Palpatine turned into a Force dragon.
“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he roared as he blew Gundoom and 8R away with a gust of Force-wind lmao. He then turned to Mace Windu and breathed Force-fire, but Mace Windu had turned into a Force-dinosaur and began wrestling with him!
“DO YOU THINK DAD WILL BE OKAY?!” asked Gundoom as he and his clonebro flew through the sky.
“1, he’s not your dad and 2, yeah, I think he’ll be freaking fine, I’m pretty sure he’s immortal or some shit. I’m more worried about us,” replied 8R, “What are we supposed to do when we get to the Order’s base? What if we’re found before he can catch up with us?”
“Then we play it cool,” responded Gundoom, “And by that, I mean we just start blowing shit up.”
“Yeah, okay,” said 8R, satisfied. Not.
“I’ll handle Snoke by myself. You deal with Kylo Ren,” said Gundoom.
“And the army of stormtroopers?” demanded 8R, “What are we going to do about them?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” asked Darth Gundoom.
“Not in the slightest,” replied 8R, tired of this shit.
“We call in some back-up,” said Darth Gundoom mysteriously.
“Great,” said 8R, “Well, TO BE CONTINUED I GUESS.”
“Where are we going, Windu?”
“We’re going to Quilona VI, the home of the rattlesnake people. TR-8R is stranded there. I can sense it.”
But then EMPEROR PALPATINE APPEARED.
“FETTTTTTTTTTTTTTT… IF YOU TURN TO THE DARK SIIIIIIIIIIIDE, WE CAN BRING BACK THAT SMOKIN’ HOT BABE THAT YOU WERE INTOOOOOOOOOO.”
“Windu, I have bad news,” said Gundam Fett as he cut off Mace Windu’s arm with his Swiss Betrayal Knife.
“FUCK,” yelled Windu as he used Force Disappear to disappear away in retreat.
“I’m on the Dark Side now,” said Gundam Fett, as he caught Windu’s lighrsaber.
“Good, gooooooooooood,” said Palpatine, “Help me destroy Supreme Leader Snoke and I will bring back your girlfriend.”
“Yeah, that’s a good deal. The only problem is I can’t use the Force and I just betrayed my Jedi Master.”
“Yeah, but I’ll be your master now.”
“Then the problem is solved.”
“I name you… DARTH GUNDOOM!!!” shrieked Supr-I mean Emperor Palpatine, as he cast Force Lightning every-which-way and danced around.
“UNLIMITED POW-AHHH!” laughed Darth Gundoom and he started shooting missiles at shit.
“Hey, I kind of have an apprentice, too. I was going to help him get laid,” said Darth Gundoom.
“Gooood, goooooooooood! Bring him along! EVERYONE WILL GET LAID!” roared Palpatine, continuing to dance around, now raving with some glowsticks and levitating more glowsticks with the Force.
“We will bring the Order to its knees, and I will rule them aaaall!” laughed Palpatine, and they flew toward Quilona VI to fetch TR-8R.
When they arrived, they were spooked at how many rattlesnake people there were.
“I hate rattlesnake people. Stay on your guard, my young apprentice,” said Palpatine.
But Darth Gundoom was already lighting everyone on fire.
“TALK! TALK! TELL ME WHERE THE TROOPER IS AND I’LL STOP LIGHTING YOU ALL ON FIRE!” he yelled.
Everyone was too busy dying to talk, but then TR-8R walked out of a cave.
“Hey, I’m over here!” he yelled.
“AHH, MY YOUNG APPRENTICE!” said Darth Gundoom, who had found a black cloak to wear.
“Why are you wearing that black cloak? And is that the Emperor?”
Darth Gundoom touched his shoulder and said “I’m a Sith Lord now.”
“That’s hilarious,” replied 8R.
“Yeah, and we’re going to take over the Order. Captain Phasma will be all over your dick then.”
“Well, I have no objections to this plan. Just make sure you don’t hurt her.”
“We won’t, 8R. We’re planning a very quick takeover. We go in, we beat the shit out of Snoke, and then we just sit down in his chair, Riddick style.”
“Okay. But what about Kylo Ren?”
“While Palpatine and I are fighting the Supreme Leader, it’ll be up to YOU to defeat Kylo Ren.”
“Well I don’t like that at all.”
“He’s just a boy, 8R. You’ve had a decade of combat-experience.”
“Okay, but he’s also a powerful Force user and skilled with a lightsaber.”
“Bro, bro. Palpatine will teach us how to use the Force. And lightsabers are bullshit, I’m going to get you some Mandalorian armor. Plus, I’m pretty sure you have your own lightsaber you bought, right?”
8R thought about it for a second. He remembered seeing Kylo’s skill in battle- turning blaster fire right back on his enemies, effortlessly striking down multiple warriors single-handedly in close-combat. Then he thought about Captain Phasma, and how fit and toned she probably was under that armor. Jesus Christ.
“I’ll do it. I will kill Kylo Ren.”
“Calm the fuck down, 8R. You don’t have to kill him. But you’ll probably have to maim him. He can’t be allowed to interfere, but he could be a valuable ally.”
“Isn’t there like, a rule of 2 or some shit with the Sith?”
“Yeah, but that’s retarded. We’re throwing it out,” replied Gundoom.
“I learned my lesson,” said Palpatine.
“How are you even alive, my lord?” questioned 8R.
“I fell down a chute. Big fucking deal,” replied Palpatine.
“I guess that makes sense,” said 8R, satisfied.
“Now, boys. Let’s begin your training. After 3 short days, you both will be be able to do THIS!”
He chucked a lightningbolt at a rattlesnake man and they exploded.
“LMFAO” said Darth Gundoom.
“And THIS!” screamed Palpatine, as he flung his lightsaber and it flew into a rattlesnake person’s back. He summoned it back to his hand and struck a pose.
Darth Gundoom and 8R clapped.
The Emperor bowed.
“Thank you! Thank you!” he boomed, “Now, let us begin…”
TO BE CONTINUED…