Jango Fett had his eyeses on the prizes.
With the Ring of Power finally on his finger, he could make all of Middle Earth bow to him.
But then, Mace Windu jumped over a rock and used Force Push on him. Jango fell down.
“Your reign of bounty hunting has come to an end, Fett.”
But then genderbent Link stabbed Mace in the back of the head, proving her loyalty.
“Good, goooooood,” laughed Jango Fett, “You will be my apprentice and together, the galaxy will be ours.”
So Jango and genderbent Link walked over to the tower with the big flaming eye, I can’t remember its name.
Genderbent Link shot it with an arrow and Sauron was dead. The two then proceeded to beat the crap out of every Orc in Mordor.
Afterwards, they went on an educational campaign to let everyone know that Jango Fett possessed the Ring of Power, and if anyone opposed him, they would be shot dead.
It seemed like a happy ending for everyone, as Jango Fett was a gracious and just ruler.
He married genderbent Link and the two lived happily in the great white city of Gondor.
For a time.
but then Frodo Baggins, that little shit. He snuck into Jango’s bed after the Fett had passed out from exhaustion from pumping genderbent Link’s tight pussy all night.
Frodo stole the Ring of Power and grew 200 feet tall, and ran to Pelanor Fields, destroying half of the city along the way.
Jango was worried. He’d canonically killed the likes of Luke Skywalker, Darth Maul, Emperor Palpatine, and just recently, the 9 Kings of Men. But he’d never faced a foe like Giant Frodo Baggins before. He’d have to call in a little back up for this one.
He took out Ring he’d forged in secret after solidifying his rule over Muddle Earth- The Ring of The Force, allowing him to take control of all midichlorines in the galaxy.
He sent a giant tornado shockwave at Giant Frodo Baggins, who was stomping all over the Riders of Rohan, sending Giant Frodo Baggins flying through the air. But it wasn’t enough to kill him! Oh no!
Then Gandalf arrived on the scene, along with Saruman! The White Council had been reunited!
Galadriel and Elrond and also Cirdan and Glorfindel (look them up, nerds) rode in on dragons. Because Smaug had babies and the Elves stole them and raised them in secret to be good dragons!
Jango Fett had to retreat in the Slave I, bringing his bombshell waifu with him, while the Council fought against Giant Frodo. Also, the Dragons names were Ginger, Rex, Swiftwing, and Vader. (all canon in the Tolkien universe, look it up) And they were only part-dragon because actually Smaug fucked an Elf or something, so they could change back and forth. So they were dragon-kin. And also genderfluid.
They were able to defeat Giant Frodo’s flying hobbits that he had summoned, but Giant Frodo punched them all out of the sky. Galadriel used a force field to protect them from his giant hairy feet.
Gandalf tried to shoot light at Giant Frodo’s eyes, but Giant Frodo slapped him across the land, killing him. Saruman the Wise wisely retreated into Galadriel’s shield, quietly happy at his rival’s demise.
All hope seemed lost, as nothing could stop Giant Frodo’s might.
But good old Sam Gamgee went to him and yelled
“Mr. Frodo! Stop! This isn’t you!”
Giant Frodo Baggins hesitated for a second, before using the Ring of Power to turn Sam into a potato.
Just as the last of Galadriel’s power had faded, and there was barely anyone left for Giant Frodo to kill,
JANGO FETT RETURNED, riding the Incredible Hulk.
“I’m back, baby!” he yelled, backflipping off of Hulk as Hulk punched Giant Frodo straight into the Earth.
Frodo was trapped underground and could not move, so Jango’s dwarf allies dug tunnels all around his body and chopped into his vital organs in order to finally slay him.
Jango used the Ring of the Force to summon the Ring of Power, and he combined them into the Ring of Powerforce.
With it, he had absolute power, even over time itself. He looked upon the ruin Giant Frodo had brought to his land and wept. He used his Ring to reverse time, allowing Frodo and Sam to destroy the Ring of Power before having their asses kicked by genderbent Link.
But Jango was crafty and kept his own Ring safe. He left Middle Earth to its own devices as he flew away with his Hylian shorty to go do badass things elsewhere.
And so Frodo had his finger bitten off, and Sauron died again, and the Eagles saved the day. This is all canon.
OR IS IT?
The Nazgul surrounded the bounty hunter and the hobbits and shrieked annoyingly.
Jango Fett was unfazed.
“Listen, you punk-ass jabronis,” he said, oozing with confidence in himself, “There’s only 8 of you, and my blasters can fire 8 rounds a second!”
Jango fired his blasters at all of the Nazgul, and killed all 8 of them in a second.
But then the Witch King stepped out from behind a boulder.
“Fooooooooool,” he hissed, “No living man can blast meeeeeeeeee.”
Jango was out of seconds.
“Oh damn,” he said, and tried to fly away.
But he was intercepted by a winged fell beast, who bit his jetback off of his back and ate it. Crunch crunch.
Jango fell, and the Witch King slowly walked over to him with a big-ass mace.
“Fooooooooooooooooooooooooooool,” he hissed, “No living man can fly away from meeeeeeeeeeeeee.”
He raised his mace to deliver the final blow, when suddenly, something smacked him on the back of his helmet.
“Fucking owwwww,” he hissed, “What the hell was thaaaaaaaaat?”
He turned around to see the Hero of Time aiming at him with a slingshot.
“Fooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool,” he hissed, “No living man can slay meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”
Link’s fairy, whose name is “Tink” in this story said “Link’s no man.”
It was genderbent Link! Hooray!
She fired a a Deku Seed right into the Witch King’s black face-hole and he shrieked in agony.
“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! AAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!”
He jumped on to his fell beast and flew away. Link walked sexily over to Jango Fett and Tink said “Are you okay?”
“Yes, thank you for your assistance,” Jango said, “But what are you doing here?”
“Some evil monster or something is threatening the land, and we have to kill it because we’re heroes,” replied Tink.
“What a coincidence, me too!” lied Jango, master of deception.
He pointed at the hobbits.
“Those little monsters stole an important artifact from me that will help us defeat the monster!”
“Wait a second!” cried Sam.
Link walked sexily over to the hobbits, lifted them up over her head like rocks and threw them into the side of the mountain. They were knocked out freakin cold.
Jango rushed over to Frodo’s body and retrieved the Ring of Power.
“Awesome,” he said, “The world is now mine for the taki-I mean, let’s go save the world.”
to be continued…
Treebeard looked at Pippin as though he were the biggest idiot on the fucking planet.
“SIDE? I AM ON NOBODY’S SIDE. BECAUSE NOBODY’S ON MY SIDE.”
Merry and Pippin were astonished that the talking tree didn’t want to die for them.
“But Saruman’s armies are cutting down all the trees!” pipped Pippin.
“I’m sorry you little prick. What are hobbit houses made out of again?” Treebeard asked, astonished he was even going to have to explain this shit to the short hairy-toed fucks.
“…Wood.” admitted Merry, defeated.
“But trees don’t have feelings!” offered Pippin.
Treebeard once again looked at Pippin as though he were the biggest idiot on the fucking planet.
“The only reason I haven’t tossed you jabronis into the fucking pits of Isengard is because my brother-in-law wants to see you.”
“Who’s you’re brother-in-law?” asked everyone who’s familiar with the Tolkien universe and knows that Treebeard does not in fact have a canon brother-in-law.
“Gandalf the shitty-ass wizard.” said Treebeard, (This is now canon) “You haven’t seen him walking around with my sister?”
“Your sister’s his staff?” asked Merry, bewildered at how clever I am.
“But she’s so small and doesn’t talk.”
“She gets a lot of exercise and what the fuck is there to talk about?”
“A lot of shit, actually.”
“Name one thing that’s happened on your journey thus far.”
“Gandalf DIED.” offered Pippin, attempting to surprise Treebeard like a dumbass.
“No he didn’t, he’s alive. See? You literally can’t name a single thing that’s happened.”
‘Boromir…’ thought Merry sadly. He decided not to bring it up, because Treebeard would probably just make fun of him. And not how Sean Bean dies in every movie he’s in. He’d make fun of the actual character of Boromir dying. Treebeard is in no fucking mood for this shit, and Merry knows it. Pippin doesn’t because he’s a fool of a Took.
“Our friend Boromir died!” said Pippin angrily.
‘You fucking idiot.’ thought Merry.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Pippin.” said Treebeard, as sarcastically as Entenly possible. “I know how much pain you must be in, because THOUSANDS OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE DEAD.”
“Fucking wrecked.” said Gandalf, who appeared before them in shining white…robes.
“Gandalf!” squealed the hobbits with glee. In unison, because I’m too lazy to write a unique line for each of them.
“Gandork, I thought we were skipping this whitey shit.” sighed Treebeard.
“What are you talking about?” asked Merry.
“He’s a White Wizard now, which is fucking useless. White men can’t fucking jump.” explained Treebeard.
“I can’t become a Black Wizard unless I die doing something bad.” explained Gandalf. Remember, this is all canon.
“Okay, so kill Pippin, and Merry will stab you.” said Treebeard.
“That’s literally the best idea anyone’s ever had.” said Gandalf, and he stabbed Pippin through the chest with Glamdring or however the hell you spell it. Fine, I’ll look it up… HA, I GOT IT RIGHT. I DIDN’T EVEN SEE THE HOBBIT MOVIES. I ACTUALLY REMEMBERED FROM READING THE BOOK YEARS AGO, WHICH YOU’VE NEVER DONE, YOU CASUAL PIECE OF SHIT. *except for Chris*
“Pippin noooo!” cried Merry, as he rushed over to his dead-ass friend.
“Now kill me, bro.” said Gandalf, and he pushed Merry like a bully.
“I CAN’T.” wept Merry.
“DO IT. OR I’LL KILL THE ENTIRE SHIRE.” roared Gandalf.
That did it. “RRRRRAAAHH!” yelled Merry as he lifted his pathetic little dagger to try to stab Gandalf.
But then suddenly, a bolt of…air… punched Gandalf through the trees.
It was Saruman.
“Stole your kill, bro.” he laughed with his booming voice. The entire land shook.
“And now I level up to Super-White Wizard.” he laughed again. Still booming.
And then, I don’t know, Gandalf walked through the trees toward them, wearing black robes.
“A Black Wizard versus a Super-White Wizard?” remarked Treebeard. “I think this is like, a tie or something.”
“There’s only one way to find out.” said Jango Fett, and he shot them both at the same time because he has two guns. It works out perfectly.
Gandalf jumped over the laser blast, but Saruman, still white, was unable to jump, and instead deflected it. It bounced into Merry, killing him. He was finally reunited with his dear friend. In elf hell.
Jango Fett flew away as the two wizards began punching the shit out of each other.
His new mission? To kill Frodo Baggins and steal the Ring of Power for his own use to become an invisible bounty hunter.
He flew into Mordor without having to stop to refuel because fuck, and he confronted Bilbo. I mean Frogo. I mean Frogo. Fuck, I typed it again. Frodo. He tracked Frodo and found him and said
“AH HA. I’M GONNA KILL YOU NOW AND STEAL THE WRING. WRING? RING.”
“You leave Mr. Frodo alone!” shouted Samwise Gamgee, the best fucking character in the entire story. But not even Sam could stop the wrecking ball that was Jango Fett, and he fell over, knocked out cold from a cock-punch from the best damn bounty hunter ever. Remember, he hunted down a rogue Sith and killed her like a dog. Just for money. God damn.
But when all hope seemed lost, a crucial element of the story comes into play- Sauron had used his giant flaming eyeball to follow the mysterious trail of smoke from Jango’s jetpack. And holy shit, “I SEEE YOUUU.”
The next thing Jango and the hobbits knew, they were surrounded by Nazgul. Oh shit.
To Be Continued.