Category: My Father is a Skeleton

For Whom the Bones Toll

the B-Fighters flew through the air using Deadly Bones’ god-powers.  They stopped off at Mount Olympus, which Deadly Bones renamed Mount Deadly, and he revived Royvart the barbarian.

“THANK YOU, SKELETON!” boomed Royvart, and he shook his hand.

“We’ll have great need of your strength today, Royvart.” said Godly Bones.  “By the way, call me Godly Bones from now on.”

They traveled to the Snake Pits, the home of all things slithery.  Skeleton Sacramento’s rage could not be contained.

“I’M COMING FOR YOU, WIFEKILLER!” he roared as spooky as anything’s ever been.

and then the snake ambushed them and slapped them all out of the sky with its tail.  All but Godly Bones and Skeleton Sacramento.

So really just Royvart.  He landed at a bad angle and broke his neck.

Deadly God revived him.

“I KILLED YOUR WIFE, BRO.” hissed Wifekiller like a prick.

“I know that, idiot!  That’s why I’m here to avenge her!” yelled Sacramento as he jumped from the sky on to the Wifekiller’s head.

He punched the snake in the skull with such fury that even Godly Bones was amazed.  No skeleton had ever been as angry as this skeleton.  Surely.

the Wifekiller got a concussion and passed out.  Deadly God flew into its mouth and retrieved the Staff of Time.

“Is there a doctor in the house?” asked Royvart.  “This snake has a concussion!”

“I DON’T  GIVE A SHIT.” said Skeleton Sacramento.  “This snake killed my wife!”

“WAIT!  WAIT!” said Godly Bones. “I… I… am a doctor… or I was…”

He looked in a conveniently placed mirror moodily.

“What have I become?” he asked spookily.  “Is this the way things are supposed to be?”

“WHO EVEN AM I ANY MORE?!” roared Godly Dead Bones.  “AM I A DOCTOR?  A GOD?  OR A MOOOONSSSTERRRR?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?”

and he flew into space with the Staff of Time and threw it into a black hole with majesty and grace like a badass.

“YOU FOOL!” yelled Master Makina, who had a habit of appearing out of thin air.  “If the Staff of Time is destroyed, you won’t be able to-whoaaa!”

and Bony Gods threw Master Makina into the black hole as well.

“I’M TIRED OF BEING A GOD.” he yelled with all the spookiness of the cosmos.

He landed at the snake’s side and used his doctor powers to help it.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?” asked Sacramento.  “This snake KILLED MY WIFE!”

“NO, my dear employer.” said Godly Doctor, “This snake was merely slithering away from Satan.  You know that.  IT DID NOT MEAN TO.  AND EVEN IF IT DID, WE CANNOT BLAME CREATURES FOR ACTING IN THEIR NATURE.  IS IT NOT, AFTER ALL, ALL THEY ARE CAPABLE OF?” he said skeletonphilisophically.

“It is in the nature of snakes to run/slither when being hunted by assholes.  And it is in the nature of Satan to be an asshole.” he said.  And he struck a cool pose.  It was the Thinker pose- the sculpture by Auguste Rodin. God damn, what a cool pose.

“I’m not really an asshole.” said Satan, who had just appeared then.  “I just never had a mom growing up, so my life is shit.”

“I know, Satan.  And that’s my fault.” said Doctor God.  “I murdered your mother because I forgot who I was.”

“I’m not a killer.” said Bonesly God Doctor.  “I’m a Doctor.”

“Can you ever forgive me for sleeping with your wife?” asked Sacramento to Satan.

“Only if you can forgive me for killing yours ❤ ” said Satan.

“I can.”

and they embraced.

They all shared a group hug and flew home on a Magic Carpet they found.    Deadly Doctor God gave up his powers and revived Zeus, who was grateful.  Zeus fused all of the time travelers together with their current selves.  Nice and neat.  He tried to strike a really cool pose, but it wasn’t nearly as cool as a Bonesly pose.

Royvart opened up a dojo, where he taught other people to be great fighters.  It went out of business a few months later, and Royvart became a barber.

Skeleton Boss made Skeleton Sacramento a partner in the firm.  and they worked hard to bring justice to everyone all over the underworld.

Skeleton Boy got his act together joined the Scare-vation Army, and helped bring spooky clothes to the needy.

KISS went on to become a famous musical group.

Skeleton Doctor gave up fighting for good and continued to be the best doctor ever.  Especially since Goblin Doctor was still deader than shit.

Crimson Skeleton took up the mantle of Deadly Bones, and decided to make sure to always remain pure and true, and to never lose sight of himself.

Satan and his wife Salamandara reconciled their relationship after Satan became a better lover.

Johnny Thunder was returned from the Ghost Trap, where he had spent a lot of time thinking about his life. He decided he wanted to not be slowed down with marriage, so he broke up his engagement with Suzie.   Suzie was fine with it because Johnny Thunder’s a douchebag anyway and we all fucking know it.

Skeleton Sacramento asked Zeus to revive his dear wife Cynthia, and he did!  What a nice thing.

Suzie Sacramento came out of her coma and was happy to be reunited with her friends and family.  But what of her skeleton baby?  Whose was it?

Salamandara explained that the Skeleton baby girl ran away into the woods right after she had been born.  Skeleton babies are notorious for doing such spooky things.

Imagine walking in the woods and seeing a tiny skeleton walking toward you.  Holy crap, that’s spooky, I’m sorry I gave you such a fright.

Of the hellbeasts and the knight?  Well, they all retired to a spooky part of California.  The knight became a fairly famous and very brilliant writer- Skeleton Knight Eleton.

The End.

And then Satan burst through the door.  “OR IS IT?”

?

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Dual Bones: One Skeleton’s Quest for Power and Another Skeleton’s Quest for Vengeance

Deadly Bones flew through the air with majesty. Now that he was a god, nothing could stop him, ever. Especially not wind resistance.

He had one mission: To kill the Wifekiller, the deadliest of all deadly giant snakes.

It wouldn’t be easy. Giant snakes are dangerous to hunt, even for gods. They also had extreme camouflage which made them very difficult to detect.

Deadly Bones wasn’t worried. But he knew another certain skeleton that would want in on the hunt:

Skeleton Sacramento; his wife was the wife that gave the Wifekiller its name. With her corpse. That incident is what made Skeleton Sacramento become a skeleton lawyer.

He arrived in the air over the Sacramento home and stopped.  He’d been keeping a secret since his return, and now was the time to reveal it.

He jumped through the roof of the Sacramento home, and everyone was still hanging out.  Even Satan.  They had all agreed to wait for Deadly Bones’ return and had been waiting for months.  Suzie was in the hospital though still in a baseball-brick curse coma.

“SO YOU HAVE RETURNED, DOCTOR.” he yelled loudly like an idiot.  “HAVE YOU PREPARED YOURSELF TO DIE AT THE HANDS OF ME AND MY SKELETON-SON?”

“No, idiot.” said Deadly Bones like the coolest goddamn mother fucker who ever existed.  “And I’ll tell you why; THAT CRIMSON SKELETON IS NOT YOUR SKELETON SON.”

“WAT” roared Satan, “YOU’RE LYING!!!”

“No,” said Deadly Bones, continuing to be cool as ice. “Suzie’s child was a girl skeleton.  That crimson skeleton can only mean one thing:

YOUR WIFE CHEATED ON YOU!!!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” roared Satan like a giant red baby.

“Yes, you fool.  While you were out playing baseball, your poor wife was obviously not being satisfied.  She must have cheated on you with another skeleton.  But now’s not the time for this-

“Oh, I think this is exactly the time for this.” said Skeleton Sacramento, looking like a smug motherfucker.

“Satan, IT WAS ME. *I* IMPREGNATED YOUR WIFE, AND CRIMSON SKELETON IS MY SON.”

And then Crimson Skeleton stabbed Satan in the back with a bone-knife.

“The ritual is complete!” laughed Skeleton Sacramento.  “Finally, after all these years, my revenge is here!”

Blood fell from Satan’s back an d the hellbeasts were summoned.  They started attacking Satan and he ran into the street to be mauled.

“Now, Skeleton Doctor #2, what else do you have to tell us?”

“Please, sir, call me Deadly Bones.” said Deadly Bones.  “I’m not the doctor I once was.  I’m far more darker and mysterious and deadly.”

“ok” said Skeleton Sacramento.

“I’m here to bring you with me to kill the giant snake that killed your wife!  And then I can fix the timelines and save Johnny Thunder!” said Deadly Bones.

Skeleton Sacramento’s eye sockets lit up with rage and happiness.

“LET’S GO THEN!” he roared, “Crimson Skeleton, you stay here with Skeleton Doctor #1 and fix the house up.  Skeleton Boss, I’m afraid I’m going to be late for work.”

“Go.” said Skeleton Boss, “Avenge your wife.  And here, take this magical gift.” and he handed Skeleton Sacramento a Scroll of Resurrection like from Diablo.

“This is perfect!” said Skeleton Sacramento.  “I can revive our powerful ally, the Knight!” he said, and then he did.  and the Knight said “thanks” and went away

“Let’s get going” said Deadly Bones, and he kicked a hole in the wall and struck a pose, and then used his magic power to fix it.

“Vengeance will finally be mine.” said Skeleton Sacramento spookily

Bones and Lightning: An Unanticipated Expedition part III

Zeus came storming out from the gates.

“WHO HAS SLAIN MY CYBER-DRAGON?!” he bellowed, brandishing his lightning bolt.

“It is I.” Deadly Bones announced, “the bones that have come to end your reign.”

“YOU THINK YOU CAN DEFEAT ME?” Zeus roared, “I’VE BROKEN SKELETONS TWICE YOUR SIZE.”

“But not one half as deadly.” said Deadly Bones cooly, and he entered the Flying Lotus-Bones stance.

Suddenly, there was a roar behind Deadly Bones.  He spun around and was shocked to see Royvart riding the sphinx up the mountain.

“I’m here to help you, Deadly Bones!” Royvart yelled.  “Come, comrade, let us crush this diety!”

Zeus flung a lightning bolt the size of a house and zapped Royvart off the sphinx.  He tumbled off the mountain and fell, surely dead.  The sphinx growled at Deadly Bones.  He now had two opponents to face, but he did not doubt his own deadliness.

The sphinx lunged at him, but he ducked down and karate-kicked it into Zeus’s face at 100 miles per hour.  Zeus karate-chopped it to the ground and jumped toward Deadly Bones, lightning bolt in hand.  He swung at Deadly Bones, but Deadly Bones turned to the side and elbowed Zeus in the face.  Zeus leapt back, stunned.

“HOW ARE YOU SO TOUGH?” he demanded.  “No skeleton has ever been able to elbow me in the face before!”

“Because,” said Deadly Bones deadlyly, “These bones of mine are the most deadly thing in the universe.  I’ve been to hell and back, I’ve paid my deadly dues, and nothing in this world can stop me!”

“That’s where you’re wrong, skeleton!  You have not yet seen my TRUE FORM!!!!!” roared Zeus, as he turned into a giant Lightning Scorpian.

He charged our beloved hero, and stung him right in the bones.  Electric poison coursed through Deadly Bones’s bones, but he stood tall, and swung his arm, casting the Zeus Scorpian back.  The blow was trivial.  Deadly Bones could not be stopped.

And at that moment, Deadly Bones felt a massive surge of energy.  Martial-arts techniques from every corner of the universe flooded into his mind.  His skeleton-brain surged with combat talent.  He knew then and there that he had become the new Spirit of Fighting.  He raced toward Zeus, all bones and bravery.

“I CAN’T LOSE, ZEUS.  THESE BONES OF MINE GLOW WITH AN AWESOME POWER.  THEIR BURNING GRIP TELLS ME TO DEFEAT YOU!”

He punched Zeus so hard in the nose that Zeus exploded and that was the deadly end of that.

“I’ve done it.” said Deadly Bones, “I have killed a god.”

“Good, Deadly Bones, good.” said Master Makina, who had appeared at his side.  “You now possess godliness, which means you can wield the Staff of Time.”

“Where is the staff, Master?”

“It is in the belly of a giant snake.”

Deadly Bones’s boneheart skipped a bony beat.  “What snake is it?” he asked.

“The Wifekiller.”

My Bones are the Bones that will Pierce the Sky: An Unanticipated Expedition part II

Deadly Bones and Royvart began their arduous journey to Mount Olympus.

After several months of walking, Royvart collapsed from exhaustion and died.

Deadly Bones continued on alone.  There was no time for grief.

When he reached the base of the mountain, he began climbing.  He climbed as fast as his mighty bones would allow him.  Along the way, he encountered a mighty sphinx blocking his path.

“Greetings, skeleton!  If you wish to pass this way, you must answer three riddles!”

“I’ll answer a single riddle, lion-creature.  And I not a single more.” insisted Deadly Bones, as he stopped to catch his skeleton breath.

“VERY WELL, SKELETON.  IF YOU INSIST, YOU WILL RECEIVE A SINGLE RIDDLE THAT IS A HUNDRED TIMES HARDER.” roared the sphinx

“You’re playing the wrong game with the wrong skeleton.” yelled Deadly Bones, and he karate chopped the sphinx, knocking it out.  He continued on, deadly as ever.

Finally, he reached the gates to Zeus’s palace.

It was guarded by a cyber-dragon.  It was all super-metal and painted gold with spikes protruding out of every inch of its body.

“A cyber-dragon!” exclaimed Deadly Bones, “If there was ever a test of my might, this is it.” and then he began wrestling with the mighty beast, unleashing as many karate-chops and karate-kicks as he could.

But the dragon would not fall.  Deadly Bones’s bones weren’t deadly enough!  He had finally met his match!

It seemed hopeless, and Deadly Bones was about to give up and walk away, when suddenly there was a spooky piano playing spooky music.

and a magical spirit-being appeared before him.

“WHAT ARE YOU!?” asked Deadly Bones, amazed.

“I AM THE SPIRIT OF FIGHTING, DEADLY BONES. THE MAGICAL RAGE THAT FLOWS THROUGH EVERY GREAT FIGHTER.” it boomed spookily.

“That’s impossible!  You’re not in me, and I’m the greatest fighter in the world!” retorted Deadly Bones.

“NOOOO DEADLY BONES, I WAS WITH YOU ALL ALONG.  I WAS LYING DORMANT INSIDE YOU, WAITING TO BUST OUT AND GIVE YOU THE POWER YOU’VE ALWAYS DREAMED OOOOOOOOOOOOOF!”

“But why NOW, Spirit?” asked Deadly Bones.

“Because without me, you cannot defeat the cyber-dragon!” replied the Spirit.

Deadly Bones felt a rage in his bones the like of which he had never felt.

“I DON’T NEED YOU, SPIRIT!” he shouted spookily, “I DON’T NEED ANYTHING BUT MY OWN BONES!”

and with that he lunged at the dragon and karate-chopped its head clean off.  Then he pulled the dragon’s tongue and it breathed fire and destroyed the spirit.

“I AM READY.” said Deadly Bones, “ZEUS, THESE BONES ARE COMING FOR YOU!”

My Bones Are Deadly: An Unanticipated Expedition part I

Deadly Bones slammed his skeleton fist on the ancient coffee table.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T HELP ME FIX THE TIMELINE!” he demanded angrily.

“I cannot give you the power to control time.  I can only help you start on your path.” replied Master Makina calmly, his silver skin shining shining in the darkness of the ancient castle’s ancient living room, the only light emitting from the plasma T.V. on the wall.

“What do I have to do?” asked Deadly Bones.

“In order to control time, there are three steps.”

“What is the first step, oh silver one?”

“First, you must… BECOME A GOD.”

“And how am I supposed to do that?” inquired Deadly Bones

“The only way for a skeleton doctor to become a god is to slay another god.” said Master Makina, “And only one skeleton has ever slayed a god…”

“Devil Skeleton” said Deadly Bones, knowingly.

“Mhmm hmm.  He slayed Wimpio, the god of weakness.  Threw him into a star.  Now, I recommend you choose a similarly weak target…”

“Zeus.”

“…Zeus?” repeated Master Makina, stunned.

“I am going to fucking kill Zeus.”

“You must be mad, skeleton.”

Deadly Bones put on his best cocky look.  But inside, he was even more confident than he appeared.  He flexed his bones.

“These bones of mine are deadly.  No man, and no god is a match for me.  I am the greatest doctor of fighting who ever lived.” he said, confidence oozing all over the place.

“Perhaps, skeleton.  But it is a long journey.  You should bring a companion with you.”

“I have no need for peasants tagging along, riding my glorious coattails.” laughed Deadly Bones

“I beg you to reconsider, skeleton.  I have no doubt that his companionship will be useful to you.”

“‘He?'” asked the badass time-traveling mma fighting skeleton doctor, “Did you have someone in mind?”

“I believe you’ve met him before, skeleton.” said Master Makina, and he signaled toward the shadow at the doorway.  A figure approached.

Deadly Bone’s eye sockets lit up.

“Royvart.”

“Did you miss me, Skeleton Doctor?”