Victor Gonzales rose from the grave.
It was his favorite time of year: the Christ-mass.
He rattled his bones and walked from the Kekville Graveyard toward the nearest house.
He was about to knock on the door when he heard a ruckus from behind him.
Turning around, he saw the biggest, baddest looking gang of Elf-ruffians he’d ever seen. They all looked like Legolas from Lord of the Rings except they were wearing Christmas-elf clothes with those stupid green hats.
They were all pointing bows at him and the leader walked forward.
The fear struck me instantly; my stomach tightened and my vision blurred. I lost my balance and stumbled backward onto the couch.
“What do you mean you’re haunted?” I asked her.
She sat down next to me and repeated herself. The disembodied voice I’d heard a minute ago say “he looks like a punk bitch” belonged to who she called “just some asshole ghost”. She explained that a year ago, the ghost would terrify her at night; slamming on doors, throwing anything not nailed down against the walls.
She’d tried burning incense, sage, splashing holy water all around the apartment. She tried staying with her parents; it just followed her. But one night, a line was crossed when she’d felt her ass pinched, and she instinctively threw a backhand behind her– somehow making contact with her assailant. The first words she’d ever heard from the ghost were “Ow, fuck”. The story very quickly stopped being scary.
From that point on, he cut the stereotypical spook shtick, and would act as nothing more than an incorporeal jerkoff roommate; leaving lights and the TV on, doing something with her food to make it disappear– certainly not eating it; and apparently, he really liked to “talk a lot of shit.”
She avoided meeting my eyes as she was speaking but when she finished she looked up at me, trying to read my mind. No chance, I didn’t even know what I was thinking myself. I closed my eyes and reached out to hold her hand.
After a few quiet moments on the outside, while I still was desperately trying to organize my thoughts inside my head, I opened my eyes and looked back at her.
“So, what are we going to do?” I asked, “Have you seen like, a priest or something?”
She nodded and frowned.
“I did, but he told me there was nothing he could do,” she said, “Because the spirit isn’t Evil, he’s just kind of a prick.”
She started to grin, and it forced me to smile with her.
“So, what then?” I asked.
She shrugged and laid down on top of me.
“I’ve just kind of gotten used to him.”
She kissed me and I held her head against my chest.
“Do you still love me?” she asked cutely, already knowing.
My answer was interrupted.
“Of course I d–”
“Hey,” came a voice from the other side of the room, “You’re both gross, stop it.”
“This land is my home!” cried the proud warrior Bee.
“It’s trash. You’re trash,” said Beehater.
The noble buzzer buzzed fiercely in defiance.
“Grrrr NO! NO NO NO NO NO! WE ARE BEES. We will sting you if you insult us again!”
The Beehater pointed at him and laughed, and did a dance with a little swirl. He knew Bees hated dancing. So he danced, and he danced.
“This cannot be allowed, my husband,” said the Bee Queen to her strong, virile buzzband.
“I know what I must do, my love. But if I sting him, surely I will get my stinger caught inside him, and die.”
“We cannot let our children grow up in fear of the Beehater and his dancing.”
The Bee kissed his Queen.
“I am not afraid of death.”
The Bee was preparing to sting the shitting hell out of the Beehater, when suddenly another man jumped into the scene.
“I am the Beekeeper, why are you harassing my bees?” he questioned, angrily.
The Beehater stopped his dancing momentarily to focus his attention at this new threat, that was his own size.
“I hate bees!” he shouted, “their buzzing is annoying and their hives look like garbage.”
“I know you,” said the Beekeeper, “You’re Donovan Chambers, the head of the homeowners association.”
The Beehater smirked and tapped his foot to a rhythm.
And if you knooow what’s good for you- taptap
You and your bees will back up and leave town, forever-taptap.”
The Beekeeper didn’t budge.
“You drive a hard bargain, Beehater,” he said, but then he threw off his coat, and revealed his stinger.
“IT CAN’T BEE!” cried Donovan Chambers aka the Beehater.
“YES. I’ve grown a stinger! And unlike my bee friends, I will not die if you sting you!”
The beekeeper started wagging his butt in the direction of the Beehater.
“NO PLEASE, I’M SORRY!” cried the Beehater.
“It’s too late for sorries! I demand you surrender your position to someone who deserves it!” yelled the Beekeeper, moving closer and closer.
“No! No! Please! You can have my job!”
“NOT ME. THE QUEEN BEE.”
The Queen nodded her head and smiled, holding her Bee-husband’s hand.
“Our land is safe, my love. The god Beekamende has intervened. Our children will buzz loud and strong for many generations, surely.”
The Beehater ran away until he collapsed from exhaustion and died.
This run is today known as the Marathon.
The demon appeared in a sudden surge of fire in the center of the circle. Small goat-like horns protruded from the sides of an otherwise human face- the face of a young, hairless woman, and with the exception of vicious-looking claws instead of hands, a woman’s body to match.
The summoner spoke “Hi, I’m Jeremy.”
The demon responded “Hey Jeremy, I’m Quealeeg– oh fuck.”
“HA, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.”
“Great, real fucking great.”
“Okay, so I know your name now, so I can order you to do anything.”
“Yeah, I know how it works, jackass.”
“Look, I just need you to go to a wedding for me,” pleaded Jeremy.
“I don’t have shape-shifting powers, bro, how do you expect me to do that?”
Jeremy paused and thought.
“Could you kill the bride?”
“Yeah, but then you’d have a funeral to go to,” answered Que.
“Jesus Christ these things are like perfect social traps,” sighed Jeremy.
“Why don’t you just suck it up, banish me, and go to the stupid wedding?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” said the young man who’d just summoned a demon in order to get out of going to a wedding, “There’s got to be a way out of this.”
Que lied down in her circle and yawned.
“I order you to help me think of a way to get out of this,” said Jeremy.
Que stood up and screamed “GOD DAMN IT.”
The attic shook from the fury in her voice, but Jeremy wasn’t concerned. She was totally confined to the circle he’d carefully painted in his own blood. She might want to eat his head, but unless he stuck it in her cage, he was totally safe.
“So, what do you think?”
“If I kill you, you won’t have to go,” she hissed.
“Real fuckin’ cute.”
Que rubbed her temples and sat down. She’d had a headache before even being summoned. And now she was trapped until God-knows-when, because she’d been dumb enough to let her summoner know her name.
“Weddings are difficult to get out of,” she said, “Even with a demon at your disposal.”
“Could you kill the priest?” asked Jeremy.
“Probably not. I couldn’t even get inside the church to touch him. Outside the church, he’d sense me a mile away. The oldest, fattest priest is like a Jedi against my kind,” she admitted.
It was a story she’d never share, but the last time Que had tried to tussle with a priest, he had choke-slammed her through a communion table.
“So what good are you?” sighed Jeremy.
“I really could just kill you if you wanted,” pleaded Que.
“I’d almost prefer that than go to this fucking wedding,” said Jeremy.
His focus shifted.
“So what kind of powers do you have at your disposal?”
Que listed them with her fingers.
“Well, I can run really fast. Uhh, super-strength, possession, invisibility–”
Jeremy interrupted her, “Possession, you say?”
“I wasn’t done,” protested Que.
“Could you possess the bride and have her call off the wedding?”
“That’s not a terrible idea,” admitted Que, “And then you’ll let me go?”
“Yeah, probably,” said Jeremy.
“AY! Captain! There be somethin’ in the sky!” called young the lookout from the crow’s nest of the Fuckin’ Boat, a small privateer ship crewed by the most talented men Jacob Jacobs had ever known.
Captain Jacobs opened his telescope and peered into the sky. Indeed, there seemed to be a big effin’ ship shaped like a stupid frisbee in the sky, flying the colors of Captain Alienschmo- the meanest sky-pirate to ever terrorize the entire planet.
“Listen men!” shouted Jacobs, “They mean to board us! Draw your swords and look out for their magic muskets!”
And then, twenty tiny grey aliens jumped out from the enemy ship, and started singing.
“WE ARE THE SPACE PIRATES, WE’RE GONNA TAKE YOUR SHIT.
WE’RE GONNA KILL YOU ALL AND DROP YOU IN A PIT
SURRENDER NOW AND DON’T HAVE A FIT!”
They continued singing as they engaged the human-pirates and the ship broke out in chaos as the aliens fired their big-ass laser guns, known to the men as “magic muskets”, which disintegrated any person unfortunate enough to get hit by one.
But what the aliens hadn’t anticipated was that Captain Jacobs had recruited these men because they were all experienced alien-hunters, wearing human costumes. With the speed that could only come from 8 legs, they ripped off their disguises and revealed their true forms-
giant spidermen, standing on 6 legs and dual-wielding maces with their other two.
“Oh fuckingg lord!” cried one of the aliens, and he shot himself in the face to escape the horror.
The aliens’ gunshots were ineffective against the spidermen’s armor, simply thudding against it weakly. The spidermen beat the ever-loving shit out of the remaining aliens, and took several prisoners, which they wrapped up in webs. Obviously.
“I’m such a fucking genius,” laughed Captain Jacobs, and he shot at the alien ship with a grapnel gun, hooking into its side.
“Spidermen, keep an eye on our prisoners. I’m going to board their ship and see what booty I can tap.”
The spiders hissed and nodded in acknowledgment.
Captain Jacobs had a huge fucking grin as he imagined what could be on the ship for him to loot, as the gun retracted and brought him up into the air to the alien pirate ship.
But suddenly, something struck him in his leg.
“Ow, fuck,” he said, looking down.
It was an arrow.
He looked down at his ship. It was being boarded by fucking mermaids.
“Oh shit, son. The mermaids are working together with the alien-pirates?” he whispered.
He could only hope that his crew could hold them off without him, as he reached the alien ship and pulled himself on board.