The skeleton pirates took off their pirate garments and Rasta Rick distributed running shorts, t-shirts, and magical running shoes that were invulnerable to not being fashionable. Then they all sprinted through the city, like a skeletal track team. Redblack and a few of the skellies stayed behind to fix the ship.
On and on and on they ran, huffing and puffing, but remembering to breath deeply through their nose-holes. You’ve never seen skeletons run this impressively. Gazelles have nothing on this level of grace. Neither does anything else. This is grace beyond grace. Advanced grace.
So much grace in fact, that the universe tore apart at their heels; the skeleton pirates were breaking reality with their majestic running. As they reached the Empire Shark Building, they each launched themselves through the outer walls, and the charging tear in the space-time continuum whooooshed passed them, and there was nothing but blackness everywhere.
“What the fuck is going on?” asked one of the skeletons.
“We are so goddamn awesome,” said Asia Bones “That reality itself could not handle us. We’ve destroyed the entire universe.”
“Just kidding.” said the Universe. “I’ll stick around so you can kill the Shark Priestess.”
“Thank you!” cheered everyone, and they all started dancing.
“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?” demanded the Shark Priestess, as the Universe returned to normal and the skellies found themselves in the throne-room of all of sharkdom.
“We’re here to beat you to death.” said Asia Bones. “It’s going to be VERY, VERY VERY, VERY, VERY AND HE LOVES YOU SO VERY MUCH SADIE OOOO sorry im listening to this really cool album called “Tone Def in Swzoo” by D Reg. I recommend checking it out if you have Google Play. Or Spotify. It’s legitimately awesome. Very chill. anyway, Asia Bones charged the Shark Priestess and Rasta Rick yelled “NOOOO, MON!!!”
Asia Bones, in his hurry, had forgotten about the Sharkingtons. They lept down from the ceiling, and karate-kicked him through the window. Redmond rushed to the window and cried out as he watched his master fall far on to the ground outside, surely dead.
He turned around and screamed “GRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHARKS DON’T EVEN HAVE SKELETONS, WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?”
“That be exactly what it be, mon.” said Rasta Rick, solemnly. “Da shark priestess be makin’ dem out o daaaank magic. De only way to kill dem is to kill her.”
The skellies charged forward and Rasta Rick joined them.
“WE’LL KEEP DEM BUSY, MON, YOU AND BOB HAFTA KILL DA PRIESTESS!”
“We’ll do that, you brave Rastafarian.” smiled Redmond sadly.
He and Bob charged the Shark Priestess, and she drew twin daggers and fought them back effortlessly.
“You fools!” she laughed. “I’m the Shark Priestess, and you’re punks.”
And then, she laughed like a mean person, and flung a lightning bolt at Rasta Rick, who was single-handedly defending a fallen skelly from 3 sharkingtons. Rasta Rick flew backwards outside the Asia-hole, and on to the ground far-below, also surely dead.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” cried Redmond, and the priestess cut off his head.
He was now Deadmond.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” roared Bob, and he punched the priestess right in the tit.
“OW!” she yelled, and kicked his face. He flew backward outside the Asia-Rasta-hole, but was able to grab on to the ledge.
“Somebody help me!” he yelled. but there was no one. The skeleton crew was all dead, defeated by the sharkingtons. His friends were gone. This was it.
“You should have stayed a shark.” said the priestess, as she raised her foot to step on his hand.
“Hey, shark priestess.” said Deadmond’s disembodied head. She spun around to face him, surprised at the talking head.
and his body fired the harpoon gun through her stupid, distracted face.
the sharkingtons all collapsed, and Deadmond stood up to collect his head. In his horror mastery, he had been given a second chance. He could now shed his skin and live again as a skelington.
“We did it.” said Rasta Rick, who was a ghost now, truly one with the smoke.
“Indeed.” said Deadmond. “I’m just sad about Asia Bones and the pirate crew.”
“Ya don gotta be sad bout dem, mon. After all, skellies never really die.” he said.
And the skeletons all stood up, because they were skeletons, I mean why the hell not.
“hoooooorayyy!!!” they all cheered and started partying.
“AHOYYYYYYYYYYYY!” laughed Captain Redblack, as he pulled up in Queen Bones to the big-ass hole in the wall.
“Looks like our ride’s here.” said Asia Bones, smiling. He turned to Deadmond. “Are you ready for your skeletal training, boy?” he asked.
“Just a second, master.” replied Redmond.
He kissed Bob on the mouth. The skeletons all cheered because now I can justify tagging this as romance.
They all hopped aboard the Queen Bones, and partied into the sunset, leaving behind the city of sharks that they just slaughtered, and heading toward their next grand adventure.
“Close your eyes for a second. Try to imagine the most darkest, spookiest, shark-infested place on the planet. Times that by about 100, and you got where we goin’. Shark City, bitch, Shark Shark City, bitch. Ten ten ten ten twenties on your skellies, bitch” rapped one of the skeleton pirate as they sunk just outside of treacherous Shark City. Music is important for boosting morale.
Shark City was made entirely out of magical sand, and looked exactly like New York City. The only way to tell the difference would be to notice the shark-men swimming around all over the damn place. Also there was a big gate and giant walls. Like Troy. Except New York City.
General Whitefin met them at the gate with a small detachment of elite shark soldiers. Redmond immediately knew it was Whitefin, because he had white fins, as his name might imply to the linguistically adequate.
“Whitefin!” roared Redblack, drawing his sword.
“What have you done with Bob?” demanded Redmond.
“You mean Sharkbert?” laughed General Whitefin, stepping aside.
(author’s note: I laughed so goddamn hard from typing “Sharkbert”, that I feel compelled to make a note of it)
From out of the crowd emerged Redmond’s dear friend. Except he was no longer the short, stocky man of somewhat generous proportions that Redmond loved so dearly. He was now a lean, mean, sharking machine.
“You shouldn’t have come here, Redmond.” he said in a dull, monotone, stereotypical brainwashed voice.
“Bob, this isn’t you.” cried Redmond.
“MY-NAME… IS-SHARKBERT!” roared Bob, I mean Sharkbert, and he charged Redmond with a big-ass trident.
Redmond dodged the attack gracefully like a ballerina warrior princess.
“What should I do?” he shouted to Asia Bones. “I don’t want to kill him! Which I could probably do effortlessly!”
“You KNOW what you have to do, Redmond!” Asia Bones called out, as the rest of the shark soldiers began engaging the skelly pirate crew.
Redmond looked within himself. Asia Bones was right. He /did/ know what he had to do to save Rob’s soul.
He’d have to spook him. In the deep.
Meanwhile, the skeletons fought the shark-men with ferocity. Razor-sharp teeth vs. bones and bravery. and also Rasta Rick, who was able to smoke underwater. Shark City, bitch.
For every shark-man the skellies were able to shank, another took its place. The effort was useless, it seemed.
Until Asia Bones flew (swam) into the air (higher water) and unleashed his baka-naka-gen-jutsu; creating a wall of flame that drove into the sandy city, killing a shark-men lined up to join the battle. Damn.
With the sharky reinforcements depleted, the skeleton pirates began to get the upper-hand.
At least, until General Whitefin suddenly grew 100 feet tall.
“I be sensin’ some daaark rasta, mon.” gasped Rasta Rick.
Sure enough, a stereotypical voodoo swamp woman appeared behind the group of shark-men, flipping him off.
“IT BE DA SWAMPMAMA JOOJOO!” roared Rasta Rick, and he propelled himself into her fists-first, punching her head off into an explosion of blood and brain matter.
“Good thinking, Rasta Rick!” laughed Captain Redblack, as General Whitefin shrunk down to his normal size.
Captain Redblack and Whitefin engaged in a duel; two great warriors, dueling in a duel to determine who is the better duelist.
But then a headless Swampmama Joojoo stood back up, and raised her arms and danced around, and Whitefin grew into a giant again, and kicked Captain Redblack clear out of the water, and began stomping on the rest of the skellies. Asia Bones and Rasta Rick backflipped out of danger.
“We can’t ween as long as da swampmama be makin’ ‘im big, mon!” cried Rasta Rick.
“There must be some way to kill her!” roared a skellie pirate just before being stepped on.
“BAH HA HA HA HAAA! FOOLS! ONLY US SHARK PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO KILL THE SWAMPMAMA!”
All hope seemed lost, but then Redmond took Swampmama’s head and tapped Sharkbert on the shoulder. Sharkbert turned around, and Redmond held the head out and Sharkbert cried out “Holy shit!” and became Bob again. Redmond slapped him across the face.
“HOW DO WE KILL THE SWAMPMAMA?” he shouted, shaking Bob by the shoulders.
“Y-you need to cut off her hair!” Bob stuttered, stunned by his regained humanity. “But it has to be fashionable!”
Redmond spun around towards the skellies.
“Is there a cosmetologist here?!” he shouted.
There was silence for a second, before he received his answer.
“Over here. Right over here.” replied Asia Bones, holding out his hands.
Redmond grabbed the swampmama’ head and stuck it on his harpoon gun, and fired it off toward Asia Bones.
Asia jumped up, and horizontally karate-chopped the voodoo woman’s dreadlocks, shortening them.
“OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” screamed her head and her body exploded, shortening General Whitefin once more.
At that moment, still expecting a gigantic Whitefin, Captain Redblack sailed the Queen Bones underwater and impaled Whitefin on the bow, which was shaped like a skeley holding a sword. lol.
the ship crashed down, creating a smokescreen of sand, and giving the remaining skellies enough time to slaughter the remaining shark-men.
“Ahoy, mateys!!!!” laughed Redblack, and began dancing.
The rest of the skelies danced too. Except for Asia Bones.
“Our job isn’t finished yet.” he said sternly. “Not until the Shark Priestess has met her end.”
He then struck a pose.
“I agree.” said Redmond, and he turned to Bob. “Where is she?” he demanded.
“She’s probably at her throne in the Empire Shark Building. but it’s guarded by sharkingtons!”
“What the fuck is a sharkington?” asked a skellie.
Asia Bones closed his eyes and sighed in worry.
“Aye, we on a voyage to Shark City, mon!” laughed Rasta Rick, as the skeleton pirates danced around the ship gracefully, the massive bony aquatic conveyance going full speed ahead.
“AAAALL HANDS ON DECK, YE SCURVY LANDLUBBERS!” roared Captain Redbones and Captain Blackbones in unison. They had both refused to stand down as the head captain of the ship, so Asia Bones karate-chopped their bodies in half, and Rasta Rick rasta’d them together. They were now Captain Redblack- the ultimate skeleton pirate captain. whatever.
Suddenly, there was a thunderous chorus of squawks, and Redmond looked up at the sky to see ten thousand goddamn crows launching themselves toward the ship.
“Oh yeah, we forgot about the crow men.” he said.
“Ready yourself, Redmond.” instructed Asia Bones. “Let the horror guide you.”
The crows attacked the ship, pecking at the skeleton pirates with gusto. Despite the fact that they didn’t have any freaking skin, the skeleton pirates were extremely frustrated and inconvenienced by this.
Asia Bones spun through the air, karate-chopping and kicking dozens upon dozens of crow men,
and Rasta Rick back-flipped all over the damn place and used his giant blunt to blow up a smoke-screen to blind the crows. The skellies didn’t have eyeballs which could be bothered by smoke, so this completely makes sense.
Captain Redblack stood tall and continued steering the ship, not at all deterred by the gang of crow-men pecking at his body.
“Redmond!” roared Asia Bones, “Defend the captain! After a couple of hours of pecking, his bones might begin to crack!”
“I’m on it, master!” Redmond answered, as he rushed to the captain’s aid, the horror guiding him through the 420 smoke screen.
Upon hearing Redmond call him master, Asia Bone’s non-existent heart swelled with pride, and he smashed crow-man beaks with extra gusto to show off to the rest of the pirates.
Redmond drew his sword and stabbed the ever-loving crap out of the crows that were pecking the captain. They fell to the ground, deader than shit.
“WE MUST RETREAT!” howled one of the crows; apparently the flock leader, since the bird men proceeded to rush back into the sky and beyond.
“ARRRRRRRRRRRRR! We DID IT, LADS!” laughed Redblack, jumping and pumping his fist in the air. The rest of the skeletons proceeded to pump their fists in the air, and glow sticks and kandi bracelets rained from the sky.
Redmond stood at the front of the ship, staring down into the endless depths. Well, not really endless. The ocean does have a bottom. But it’s really deep.
Asia Bones and Rasta Rick joined him.
“Those crows were sent by General Whitefin.” Redmond said, recalling his first encounter with the winged assholes.
“Indeed they were, Redmond.” said Asia Bones. “It would seem the Shark Priestess seems to gain land-based allies as well, judging from the shape-shifting assassin.”
“Speaking of which-” said Rasta Rick, and he stabbed Asia Bones through the back of the spine.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” cried Redmond, and he punched Rasta Rick’s freaking face. Redmond fell to the ground and held his teacher in his arms as the skelly pirates tackled Rasta Rick.
“Redmond-” coughed Asia. “You- must- you must find-“
“Find what, master?” cried Redmond, tears streaming down his face.
“I’m just kidding, I’m fine.” said Asia Bones and stood up, removing the knife from his back.
“ARRRR, WHAT’VE YE DONE WITH THE REEEAL RASTA RICK?” arrred Redblack menacingly.
“Go ahead.” coughed the assassin. “Throw me overboard. I’ve nothing but allies in the dreary depths.” he laughed.
Redblack grabbed the assassin’s arms in each hand, and tore the assassin’s body in half.
“We must find Rasta Rick!” cried Redmond.
“I’m over here, mon.” said Rasta Rick, appearing from out of the crowd.
“Well, that sums everything up nicely.” noted one of the skeleton pirates.
Also, we’re here now.” said another skeleton.
Redmond looked overboard and didn’t see anything. Just more freaking open ocean.
Asia Bones looked and Redmond and realized he didn’t get it. “It’s underwater, Redmond.” he sighed with disappointment. “They’re shark people. They live underwater.” and without another word, he dropped to the floor into some push-ups., followed closely by Rasta Rick, and the rest of the skellie crew.
Redblack handed Redmond the harpoon gun. “Are ye ready for this lad?” he laughed.
“I’m ready with a capital ARRRRR!” said Redmond, as he proceeded to start exercising as well.
Half of the skeletons laughed so hard that their ribs fell off.
“Way to go, Redmond.” sighed Asia, and he dove into the ocean.
“Gather yer bones and meet us in Davey Jones’s locker, me hearties!” laughed Redblack, as he followed Asia Bones, with Rasta Rick diving in after him.
Redmond did the polite thing and helped the skeleton crew retrieve their ribs.
They all then proceeded to plunge into the dark and spooky ocean.
Without another “Arrr”, the two skeleton pirate captains lunged at each other, in a furious clash of bones and steel.
Captain Blackbones wielded a terrifyingly sharp blade, which swiftly danced around Redbones’s huge mace, but was unable to pass through to its owner.
The battle raged for hours, with many skellies taking short naps or sipping cups of tea or bottles of whiskey.
Rasta Rick rolled a massive blunt so magical that everyone on board got a contact high. But it did not quell the rage of the two pirate captains, each determined to be captain of the Queen Bones.
After several more hours, Redbones began to tire. He was swinging a huge goddamn mace around, after all.
Blackbeard ducked under one final swing, and kicked Redbones over unto his back. He was just about to deliver the fatal blow, when Redmond of all people pulled Blackbones’s fucking skull right off his shoulders.
“Excuse me, what the fuck are you doing?” roared Blackbones.
“I’m not going to let this fighting go on any longer!” cried Redmond. “As you dumb fucking pirates quarrel over a dead ship, the Shark Priestess is preparing to come for all of our hides!”
“Redmond speaks da truth, mon!” cheered Rasta Rick, literally lying floating on a cloud of the dankest kush.
“Aarrrrrr, the boy be right, Blackbones.” arrr’d Redbones, getting to his feet. “Forget the Queen Bones, there’ll be no ship nor sea for any of us if the Shark Priestess is allowed to swim!”
Blackbones’s skull stared long and hard at Redbones, searching for any hint of insincerity.
“What be ye pre-posin’?” he said finally.
“An alliance of bony pirates.” replied Redbones plainly. “We sail right into the Shark Priestess’s home, and make shark fin soup of ’em all! And when our common threat is gone, we can resume our fighting for this ship.”
“Arrrrrrrrrr, so be it, Redbones. But if I detect a hint ‘o mutiny, I’ll be throwing you all overboard meself, and the Queen Bones will be mine all the sooner!”
“What the fuck is so special about this ship?” whispered Redmond to Asia Bones. “It’s grounded, isn’t it?”
“Redmond, your ignorance never ceases to surprise me.” sighed Asia Bones, as Rasta Rick touched ground and raised his hands high into the air.
“Den der it is, mon!” laughed Rasta Rick, and his dreadlocks vibrated as the ship rose into the air, off of its fortress-like perch, and into the water. “Let’s get ‘ta sailin!”
The skeleton pirates all cheered, and Redmond suddenly felt much better about their odds. They now had a small army of pirates to take on the Shark Men.
“Lad?” asked Captain Blackbones.
“Yes?” asked Redmond, vacantly. Asia Bones sighed.
“Can ye put my fucking skull back on to me body?”
Redmond rushed to do so, as the skellie seadogs rushed around the ship, preparing for the journey.
Redbones stood with Redmond as they watched a few of the skellie crew take up positions in the newly taken coral reef tower- a new permanent base for them. “With that reef-tower taken out, the Shark Men have lost a strong presence here. Meanwhile, our own territory grows.” explained Captain Redbones to Redmond. “You did good, matey.”
When they were back aboard the Queen Bones, Redmond was given a huge feast of bone meal.
Luckily the feast was cut short, as a shout ran out from the upper deck.
“WE’RE BEING BOARDED!” roared a skellie crew member.
“All hands on deck!” shouted Redbones, as he threw his sword straight through the Captain’s quarters open door with such force, that it lodged into the skull of an attacker.
Redmond burst onto the deck, sword in hand and examined the situation.
Black-bandanna’d skellies were climbing all over the ship, as Redbones’ crew did their best to keep them back.
Asia Bones joined Redmond at his side.
“It’s the crew of Captain Blackbones.” he explained, “No doubt here to recapture their old ship.”
“Redbones stole this ship?” asked Redmond, surprised.
“They’re fucking pirates, boys.” sighed Asia Bones, as he charged into battle.
The red skellies fought bravely, but they were no match for the sheer numbers of the skellies climbing on to the ship. Asia Bones and Rasta Rick had no trouble defending themselves while keeping an eye on their young protege with their karate and magic- but at this rate, Redbones’s crew would be entirely wiped out.
Then Redbones stomped onto the scene with a massive bone mace and proceeded to defend his crew- knocking 3 or more enemies overboard with each swing; crushing all skeletons in his path.
Even with the overwhelming numbers of the attackers, with the superior fighting of Redbones and his allies, It became apparent that the battle was in a deadlock. And then, appearing from behind a guard of impressively large skellies, emerged a pitch-black skeleton, wearing the biggest fucking pirate hat Redmond had ever seen- with a feather larger than a man’s arm.
Redmond’s captain stepped into the center of the deck to meet him, skull-to-skull
“Arrrrrrrr, Captain Blackbones.” arr’d Redbones.
“Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Captain Redbones.” arr’d Blackbones.
TO BE CONTINUEDDDDDDDD