“AY! Captain! There be somethin’ in the sky!” called young the lookout from the crow’s nest of the Fuckin’ Boat, a small privateer ship crewed by the most talented men Jacob Jacobs had ever known.
Captain Jacobs opened his telescope and peered into the sky. Indeed, there seemed to be a big effin’ ship shaped like a stupid frisbee in the sky, flying the colors of Captain Alienschmo- the meanest sky-pirate to ever terrorize the entire planet.
“Listen men!” shouted Jacobs, “They mean to board us! Draw your swords and look out for their magic muskets!”
And then, twenty tiny grey aliens jumped out from the enemy ship, and started singing.
“WE ARE THE SPACE PIRATES, WE’RE GONNA TAKE YOUR SHIT.
WE’RE GONNA KILL YOU ALL AND DROP YOU IN A PIT
SURRENDER NOW AND DON’T HAVE A FIT!”
They continued singing as they engaged the human-pirates and the ship broke out in chaos as the aliens fired their big-ass laser guns, known to the men as “magic muskets”, which disintegrated any person unfortunate enough to get hit by one.
But what the aliens hadn’t anticipated was that Captain Jacobs had recruited these men because they were all experienced alien-hunters, wearing human costumes. With the speed that could only come from 8 legs, they ripped off their disguises and revealed their true forms-
giant spidermen, standing on 6 legs and dual-wielding maces with their other two.
“Oh fuckingg lord!” cried one of the aliens, and he shot himself in the face to escape the horror.
The aliens’ gunshots were ineffective against the spidermen’s armor, simply thudding against it weakly. The spidermen beat the ever-loving shit out of the remaining aliens, and took several prisoners, which they wrapped up in webs. Obviously.
“I’m such a fucking genius,” laughed Captain Jacobs, and he shot at the alien ship with a grapnel gun, hooking into its side.
“Spidermen, keep an eye on our prisoners. I’m going to board their ship and see what booty I can tap.”
The spiders hissed and nodded in acknowledgment.
Captain Jacobs had a huge fucking grin as he imagined what could be on the ship for him to loot, as the gun retracted and brought him up into the air to the alien pirate ship.
But suddenly, something struck him in his leg.
“Ow, fuck,” he said, looking down.
It was an arrow.
He looked down at his ship. It was being boarded by fucking mermaids.
“Oh shit, son. The mermaids are working together with the alien-pirates?” he whispered.
He could only hope that his crew could hold them off without him, as he reached the alien ship and pulled himself on board.
In life, Victor LeGrande was a man of great fortune. He had a loving wife, two young daughters, and a not-small piece of land where he’d built a large, beautiful house for his family.
In death, Victor LeGrande would be a man of considerable less fortune.
With a jolt of life and a sense of purpose, he tore through the earth and pulled himself out of the shallow grave. He heaved up dirt from his lungs and cursed. His heart was pounding with an unusual ferocity; his ears rang and his vision blurred as he came to life, causing him to fall back and sit.
He didn’t know where he was, he didn’t remember what had happened. The last thing he could recall was a concerned look on his wife’s face, and then through a sudden darkness, her voice calling out to him.
Victor slowly pulled himself to his feet and dusted himself off. He’d been stripped near-naked, with only a loose pair of slightly weathered pants to cover himself.
He took in his surroundings- it was a small graveyard enclosed by a small fence, but more enclosed by the unscalable rock faces that surrounded the entirety of the area, save for the fence’s open. There was only one way to go.
Directly in front of him, in the damp soil was a message written in a glowing red ink. He leaned down to read it.
“Use The Left Stick To Move, LOL”
Curious. Next to the message was a long sword implanted in the ground. He lifted it out, and brushed the dirt off of it. It seemed brand new- as if it had been forged and placed their especially for his awakening. It was a one-handed sword, and in his life he’d been trained by a master with such weapons to help defend his town from invaders.
He questioned why a weapon had been given to him, and suspected that it must mean that he would be in danger.
He moved cautiously forward to the fence’s gate, and when he reached it, another bright message waited for him on the ground.
“Be wary of left.” The message was covered in what seemed to be spit.
And just like that, he heard a hiss from behind a boulder up. But from his right, not the left. He kicked dirt over the message, cursing whoever had left it, and gripped his sword tightly, moving toward the boulder.
The Irish Pilot was able to steady the ship, dangerously staggered by the passion of Scientist Hulk and Sexy Scientist Lady #1.
“Ayy mon, dat be some good flyin’,” commented Rasta Rick, placing his hand on his shoulder as a sign of respectful camaraderie.
Irish Pilot recognized the sign of respectful camaraderie, and gave him a thumbs up.
“Aye sir, there’s no situation I can’t pilot out of. Me ma always told me ‘Son, you’ve got to learn to fly, and you’ve got to learn to fly right, or else there’ll be no potatoes in your future.”
Rasta Rick nodded solemnly. He knew too well of the old Potato Famine that almost eliminated the Irish people, whose life-force was powered by triple-distilled potato vodka.
Suddenly there was a scream, and everyone turned to see Scientist Hulk in the throws of a terrible seizure.
“He’s having a seizure,” noted Robert.
“Thanks Rob,” said Space Marine #1.
“How can we help him?!” asked Space Marine #3.
“We can’t,” answered Sexy Scientist Lady, “I was afraid of this happening. His body was not able to tolerate going from a 2 to a 10 in the looks department. He’s dying.”
Asia Bones knew what had to be done. He karate-kicked Scientist Hulk in the head with such force that his head exploded. Brain matter spattered across everyone’s face.
“Tank you, Masta Bones, for ‘avin da courage ta do what must be done…” said Rasta Rick, extending his hand.
Asia Bones shook his hand.
“There’s nothing that makes these bones of mine sicker than seeing another living being in pain. That is why King Skeleton must be put to rest for all time. To end this nonsense war, and bring back honor to my skeletal people.”
“We gun do dat mon, but w’out da Super-Space Marines, we cahn’t get true da fire an da flames mon,” said Rasta Rick sadly.
“No, my Rasta brother. There is a way. We can still turn the Robert into a Super Space Marine. Unlike the unattractive scientist dork skinnyfat virgin, Robert has a nice, full beard and is quite handsome. Who wouldn’t want to fuck him?”
“I don’t know,” replied Space Marine #1, rubbing his hand down Robert’s back slowly.
Rob sensed his impending molestation and grabbed the syringe from the dead scientist, jammed it into his arm, and karate-kicked Space Marine #1 in the head, knocking him out cold. He then lit a match, and pressed it near his skin. The flame shrieked and died. Rob struck a pose. He was finally tough as nails.
“SUCH POWA!” exclaimed Space Marine #3, “The skeletons won’t stand a chance! But how can the rest of us help if we’re not fireproof?”
“Inside a guard station on the planet is a valve that controls all the fire on the planet. If Rob can turn that valve shut, we’ll be able to land!” explained Asia Bones, “And after that, it’ll be a piece of delicious ice cream cake taking the rest of the planet.”
“MON IT LOOKS LIKE WE GOTA PLAN, MON!” cheered Rasta Rick, “Irish Pilot, bring us close ma brodda!”
“Aye aye, sir!” said Irish Pilot, and he brought the Space-helicopter in low.
Rob tore the door open and prepared to make his jump.
Asia Bones placed his hand on his shoulder. So much respect.
“How do you feel, my child?”
“I’m ready,” said Rob, “I’m ready to finally do something great in one of these stupid stories.”
to be continued…
Planet Bones was the spookiest thing the Space Marines had ever seen. It had bats flying all around it and it was covered in spiders and it was shaped like a giant skull that was on fire.
“We’ll need our flame-retardant armor,” noted Space Marine #1.
“No, human. The fire is far too spooky and hot. It will burn through your armor like fire through a flammable substance,” explained Asia Bones.
“Then what are weh goin’ to do, mate?” asked Irish Pilot.
“Isn’t it obvious?” asked Sexy Scientist Lady #1, “We can turn you into Super Space Marines, and you’ll be fireproof.”
“But no one has ever been able to survive that process!” objected Space Marine #3, and he slammed his fist into a table and it broke in half and a piece of splintered wood flew into someone’s eye and they shouted fuck and everyone stopped for a second to make sure they were okay, and they got it out of their eye and went to go lie down. That happened to Space Marine #4 by the way, who is Asian but that’s not important.
“Now what?” asked Rob.
“I believe Rob that you have the potential to become a Super Space Marine because your body has not yet been through the trauma of becoming a regular Space Marine, so you won’t die probably or something,” explained Sexy Scientist Lady #1 scientifically.
“Yes of course, it was so obvious, the answer was right in front of us all along,” exclaimed Unattractive Scientist Man and he injected himself with his secret Super Space Marine formula and turned into a big hulking sexy brute.
“Holy shit, take me immediately!” cried Sexy Scientist Lady in a state of uncontrollable lust, and she ripped off her white lab coat, exposing her supple, milky white breasts near-bursting out of her bra.
She clawed at her bra strap, but Scientist Hulk had already leaped across the Space-Helicopter at her, and with the force of his jump, pushed her on to the floor, beginning to sensually kiss and bite her body as they hastily tore off the rest of their clothes.
In their passion, the two did not realize that Scientist Hulk’s jump had pushed the Space-Helicopter with such force that it was now spinning through the sky, completely out of control.
As Scientist Hulk thrust his Super member into Sexy Scientist Lady #1’s warm, drenched pussy, the rest of the crew ran to their stations, and held on for dear life- like Sexy Scientist Lady #1 holding on and tearing into Scientist Hulk’s back with her nails as they moaned in complete ecstasy.
oh no what’s gonna happen who knows
to be continued.
Though his consciousness was fading, Rasta Rick heard a vaguely familiar voice.
“Rick, you have to get up. The world needs you, now more than ever.”
Eyes shut, Rasta Rick replied weakly.
“Ah can’t dew it, mon… Da’s no hope in me bones.”
“THEN LOOK AT ME AND SAY THAT, RASTA RICK.”
Rasta Rick’s eyes opened. Standing over him, hand extended, was none other than Asia Bones, the legendary skeleton martial artist.
He grabbed the old master’s hand.
“How are you still alive?” he asked, as the karate-kicking skelly pulled him to his feet.
“I’m a skeleton.”
“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING, ASIA BONES?!” roared King Skeleton, “YOU ARE MY SERVANT. ALL SKELETONS ARE MY SERVANTS.”
“No, King Skeleton,” replied Asia Bones coolly, “I am a free skeleton. The only true loyalty of a skeleton is to what is spooky. And from here, you don’t look very spooky to me.”
King Skeleton tore his crown off his head, and it transformed into a throwing star, which he launched at Asia Bones.
But they were deflected!
Not by Asia Bones, who obviously could have done it easily because nobody can deflect throwing stars like him,
but by Rasta Rick!
“Ay mon, you right. As long as der’s a smokey breath in mah body, der is ALWAHYS HOPE.”
He drew his blunt broadsword and crushed a skeleton guard.
Asia Bones did a double front-flip and 1-handed clotheslined 2 skeletons at once.
“Sire, they’re kicking out asses!” cried a skeleton guard.
“Yes, yes, I can see that you pussies,” spat King Skeleton, “You all stay here and die, I’m going to take Raymond and retreat on to Planet Bones!”
“NOT PLANET BONES!” exclaimed Asia Bones.
But it was too late. King Skeleton had grabbed Raymond’s unconscious body and escaped in a pod that was used for escape.
“What be on Planet Bones?” asked Rasta Rick, as he bludgeoned another group of skellies with his weed weapon.
“It… it’s the HOME PLANET OF THE SKELETONS. THEY’R GOING TO SACRIFICE RAYMOND TO THE SPOOK GODS.”
“SHAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAA!” screeched a skelly as Rasta Rick smashed his hip bone with his boot.
“Ah no, mon. It be sum baaaad juju comin’ from derrr. We need ta regroup wit dah space m’rines, it’s dah only way.”
Asia Bones snapped another skeleton guard’s neck.
“Agreed. We’ll pick up your men, and launch an attack on Planet Bones.”
to be continued, matey