To celebrate Christmas, I’ve compiled the entirety of Star Wars: The Fett Awakens into a single pdf for your reading convenience.
Please enjoy, and have a Merry Christmas!
Victor Gonzales rose from the grave.
It was his favorite time of year: the Christ-mass.
He rattled his bones and walked from the Kekville Graveyard toward the nearest house.
He was about to knock on the door when he heard a ruckus from behind him.
Turning around, he saw the biggest, baddest looking gang of Elf-ruffians he’d ever seen. They all looked like Legolas from Lord of the Rings except they were wearing Christmas-elf clothes with those stupid green hats.
They were all pointing bows at him and the leader walked forward.
The fear struck me instantly; my stomach tightened and my vision blurred. I lost my balance and stumbled backward onto the couch.
“What do you mean you’re haunted?” I asked her.
She sat down next to me and repeated herself. The disembodied voice I’d heard a minute ago say “he looks like a punk bitch” belonged to who she called “just some asshole ghost”. She explained that a year ago, the ghost would terrify her at night; slamming on doors, throwing anything not nailed down against the walls.
She’d tried burning incense, sage, splashing holy water all around the apartment. She tried staying with her parents; it just followed her. But one night, a line was crossed when she’d felt her ass pinched, and she instinctively threw a backhand behind her– somehow making contact with her assailant. The first words she’d ever heard from the ghost were “Ow, fuck”. The story very quickly stopped being scary.
From that point on, he cut the stereotypical spook shtick, and would act as nothing more than an incorporeal jerkoff roommate; leaving lights and the TV on, doing something with her food to make it disappear– certainly not eating it; and apparently, he really liked to “talk a lot of shit.”
She avoided meeting my eyes as she was speaking but when she finished she looked up at me, trying to read my mind. No chance, I didn’t even know what I was thinking myself. I closed my eyes and reached out to hold her hand.
After a few quiet moments on the outside, while I still was desperately trying to organize my thoughts inside my head, I opened my eyes and looked back at her.
“So, what are we going to do?” I asked, “Have you seen like, a priest or something?”
She nodded and frowned.
“I did, but he told me there was nothing he could do,” she said, “Because the spirit isn’t Evil, he’s just kind of a prick.”
She started to grin, and it forced me to smile with her.
“So, what then?” I asked.
She shrugged and laid down on top of me.
“I’ve just kind of gotten used to him.”
She kissed me and I held her head against my chest.
“Do you still love me?” she asked cutely, already knowing.
My answer was interrupted.
“Of course I d–”
“Hey,” came a voice from the other side of the room, “You’re both gross, stop it.”
“Mr. Potter, we need your help.”
“You’d better have a damn good reason for calling me, Barrack.”
“Terrorists are terrorizing the world.”
“I don’t care.”
“They’re being led by someone you know, Mr. Potter.”
“Don’t tell me–”
“That’s right. Hagrid.”
Harry sensed a disturbance in the Force and hung up the phone and jumped out the window on to the rain-slicked streets of London. He drew his pistol from his ankle-holster.
His phone started ringing. Harry ignored it, and looked up into the sky.
To his horror, there was a flying motorcycle being driven by none-other than his dead half-giant guardian, Hagrid.
“HARRYYyyY!” howled Hagrid, “I’m going to get my revenge on you for killing me in Harry Potter: The Boy Who Lived to Die Another Day!!!”
Harry shot the motorcycle in teh wheel, and it spun out of control.
“WhoOOoAAa!” shouted Hagrid.
Harry took a deep breath and took out his rocket-launcher.\
“HAGRID, DON’T MAKE ME KILL YOU.”
“What?!” said Hagrid, “That’s impossible, I’m already dead!”
Harry Potter fired his rocket launcher and said “Then this one’s on the house.”
Hagrid exploded and OBama called again.
“I solved your crisis, Barrack,” Harry said, “Now you’re going to tell me what I want to know.”
“Anything, Mr. Potter.”
“Where is Voldemort hiding his Atomic Kedavra bomb??? I know he’s responsible for Hagrid turning to the Dark Side.”
“I’ll tell you in the next chapter, Mr. Potter.”
To Be COntinued…
“Captain, it looks like the ship is on a course for a galaxy far, far away,” said the Master Chief.
“That’s right,” replied Captain Mace Windu, captain of the Spacewalker, “We’re going to go to that galaxy far far away and save it from a cult that is using the Flood as a weapon.
The Chief gasped.
“That can’t be!” he said, “The Flood can’t be manipulated.”
“It’s not just any cult,” said Captain Mace Windu, who was wearing a pirate hat and traditional Jedi robes,
“It’s the Sith. And we have reason to believe they’ve teamed-up with the Dark Lord Sauron. Our scouts have spotted Space-Orcs.”
“NO I DON’T BELIEVE IT!” Master Chief slammed his fists down on a table, breaking it in half.
“Chief, that table’s coming out of your salary. And it’s also up to you to stop everything bad that’s happening.”
“I can do it,” said the Chief, “but I can’t do it alone.”
Captain Mace Windu lit a cigar his his lightsaber.
“I know that. You’ll be going in with non-other than the legendary Luke Skywalker, and his son, Kylo Ren, born of incest.
He took a puff of the cigar.
“And that’s not all. We’ve acquired a new weapon for you to use in battle. It’s Squall’s gunblade from Final Fantasy 8! Both sword and a gun, it is the ultimate weapon.”
“Wow, my cup overflows!” said Chief.
“Finally, we’ll be upgrading your armor for EXTREME STEALTH.”
Captain Windu Force-pulled a crate from the other side of the room and opened it. It contained the Invisibility Cloak from Harry Potter.
“No one will see you coming,” said Captain Windu, wrapping Chief in the Deathly Hallow.
Luke Skywalker and Kylo Ren entered the bridge and saluted Captain Windu.
“Sir, we are prepared to take the fight to our enemies.”
Luke Skywalker struck a pose with his lightsaber in one hand, and the Elder Wand in the other.
Kylo Ren held up the Sorcerer’s Stone, and laughed.
“Nothing can kill me like I killed my dad.”
Luke looked at him sadly. He’d not yet told him that he was his father, not Han Solo. Killing dads wasn’t supposed to be in the family. But when it came down to it, Luke had already decided to use the Elder Wand to kill Kylo Ren if he tried betraying him.
Captain Mace Windu looked at the crack team he’d assembled and smiled. He’d done it again.
“Gentlemen, if you’re all prepared, we will teleport you on to the planet where the Sith Lords and their Flood are located.”
“What Sith are we dealing with?” inquired Luke.
“They are beyond anything we’ve ever encountered. Their names are Darth Villainous and Darth Reprehensible. They are both 8 feet tall, and wield lightsaber-guns that shoot lightsabers. They are also really strong because they go to the gym 5 days a week like we all should. Your only hope of defeating them is to use the Deathly Hallows.”
“Understood,” said Chief.
“I understand as well, we’ll be careful” said Luke.
“The Dark Side will look after me, I’m not afraid!” said Kylo Ren.
“Go now then! Said Captain Windu, “And MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!”