Tagged: life

The Robot-Boyfriend

“My sensors indicate that you are being a massive bitch right now,” Robo-Mitch revealed.

Sarah slapped him. He felt no pain, because he was a robot.

“I’ll show you ‘bitch!'” she screamed, and kicked him hard in the groin. She broke her shin.

“LMAO. You can’t harm me now that I’ve transplanted my brain into this robot body. I’m fucking invincible!” Robo-Mitch laughed, and turned back to his TV, continuing to play Ignore-Your-Girlfriend 5 on his Playstation VR, where he was doing the exact same thing in-game as he was in real life.

“Wow, so realistic!” he exclaimed.

“If you’re going to keep ignoring me, maybe we should just break up,” Sarah said tearfully.

Robo-Mitch knew she was bluffing. Sure they fought, but their love was stronger than the diamond ring he refused to buy her.

He gestured toward the doorway, still facing the TV.

“It was nice knowin’ ya babe :3 ” he said.

“You asshole!” she yelled and stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

On the way out of the apartment, she almost tripped over the present he’d left for her. She opened it and gagged. In the box, was his heart. No longer necessary in his robot-body, and the perfect token of his adoration for her.

“Fucking gross,” she laughed, and read the card that’d been taped to the box.

It read,

“My dearest Sarah,

You know you’ll always have my heart LOL.

Love, Robo-Mitch”

“Jackass.”

She knew beyond the grotesque joke it was true. Sure, he’d been addicted to that stupid video game for a few days, but besides his stupid obsession with obscure indie video games, he’d been a great boyfriend. Strong, caring, always there when she needed him for the last 3 years now. Her only real problem with him was that he refused to stop calling himself Robo-Mitch.

But after he put his brain inside a robot body, those few weeks ago, something about him changed. Something besides literally everything composing his physical body. His attitude had changed. He’d become more ambitious, more daring. He told her he’d been planning to propose to her. But in his new robot-eyes, the diamond he’d picked out for her didn’t seem enough. He wanted to give her something better than “a stupid stone with poor resell-value.” But what exactly he was planning he refused to tell her until he had it.

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Dating Tips for Fat Losers

  1. CONFIDENCE IS KEY. If you want a girl to like you, and you’re completely unlikable, you just have to be confident, and she’ll automatically like you no matter what. You don’t even have to actually be confident, you can just PRETEND to be confident, and it works just as well.

    Here’s an example- this is actually how it will work every single time:

    Loser: Hi, I’m a confident man.

    Girl: Holy shit, please impregnate me immediately.*

    *you don’t have to impregnate her immediately, or at all, but her natural lust for your confidence will get the better of her, causing this embarrassing display of distraction. That’s why it’s always advised to approach women in secluded areas when they’re alone- so they don’t embarrass themselves in front of a crowd.

  2. COMPLIMENT HER ONCE, AND THEN NEVER AGAIN. Girls live off of compliments like vampires live off of blood. It costs valuable mental resources to continue feeding a girl compliments throughout your relationship with her, which is why you should nail her with one single, exceptional compliment that will leave her satisfied for her entire life. The compliment isn’t as much a positive note about her, as it is a derogatory remark about all other women, who she naturally hates. It goes as follows:

    “All women besides you are hideous bitches.”

    Record this for her, and put it on her mp3 player, and her heart will be yours forever.

  3. SABOTAGE YOUR COMPETITION. The idea that men should be loyal to one another over women is a classic example of male-sabotage. This “bro code” law was created by a fat loser exactly like you to discourage other men from pursuing his woman. The reality is that friendships come and go as easily as relationships. The difference? Your man-friend isn’t going to have sex with you, OR watch you play single-player video games. When you’re a loser, building yourself up isn’t an option- it requires a level of effort that if you had, you wouldn’t be a fat loser to begin with. Your only other option? Make everyone seem like a bigger loser than you are. Take up baking, and serve your physically fit friends delicious fudge brownies. Steal their gym membership cards. Buy them a dog and teach it to eat their college textbooks. Anything you can do to set someone else back, is setting yourself up. When your mutual friends who are girls see that your once-mighty friends have become disasters, you’ll appear much more palatable-

    That’s when you confidently tell her how much you hate all women besides her.

    Let the wedding bells ring, baby.

Harry Potter: The Boy Who Lived to Die Another Day

Harry and Ron woke up next to each other in a daze. (FANGS for the opening line, Rob, you ROCK!)

“Oi, ‘Arry, what ‘appened, then?” said Ron, with a British accent because Harry Potter takes place in British.

“I don’t know, Ron, but I know one thing! Voldemort’s back again!”

then Hagrid walked over.

“WE’RE IN GRINGOTTS, THE WIZARD BANK! I BROUGHT YOU TWO HEERE BECAUSE I REALLY THINK IT’S REALLY  SAFE!!”

“OI, GOOD THINKING, HAGRID!” accented Ron.

Harry got to his feet and looked around. It was indeed Gringotts, and he knew because he had been here before and so remembered what it looks like.

“HARRY, VOLDEMORT ALMOST KILLED YOU IN YOUR SLEEP, BUT THE AURORS SAVED YOU AND I BROUGHT YOU ON MY MAGICAL MOTORCYCLE TO SAFETY! AND RON TOO, BECAUSE I KNOW HE’S YOUR FRIENDS AND I LIKE HIM ALSO AS A PERSON!!!”

“Oi, thanks Hagrid!” thanked Weasely, gratefully.

“I BELIVE IN YOU HARRY, ONLY YOU CAN STOP VOLDEMORY ONCE AGAIN BY USING THE POWER OF YOUR PARENTS’ LOVE~!” shouted Hagrid with pride.!!

and he picked up Harry and hugged him like a really big loving friend might pick up and hug a much smaller friend that he cares for deeply.

and then the ghost of Professor Snape apparated in front of all of them.

“Haaaaaarryyyyy!” he haunted, “I believe in you as well and I hope you succeed because as you know, I was a nice guy after aAAaAaaAaaaall!!!”

Harry shook his hand and thanked him for his kind worse. and then Snape disapeared mysteriously.

“Now I must go and kill Voldemort again for the final time!”

“BUT IT WONT BE SO EASY THIS TIME, HARRY!” thundered Hagrid!

“Oi, whar are yew talkin’ about’Agrid?’ askeed Ronald?

“‘TELL YOU WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ‘BOUT!” said Hagrid “Rob, I’m writing this because I feel like I should pick up where JK Rowling dropped the ball and it deflated.” Any other questions? No because you’re just going to type them in aren’t you? Yes, I am. Fucking stenographer.

“BECAUSE NOW VOLDEMORYT  HAS A LOT MORE HORCRUXES!! THAN HE EVER DID BEFORE BECAUSE HE GREW MORE POWERFUL IN THE WHITE PLACE!!!” boomed Hagrdi with much concern.

“That’s not a problem for me. I’m the boy who lived, and I’ll keep on living until my job is done!” said Harry Piotter. “Voledoryt’s horcruxes are no match for my special wand!”

“YOU DON’T GET IT DO YOU HARRY?” ROARED HAGRID SADLY

“I AM A HORCRUX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

The Lord of the Rings: Jango Fett’s Revenge

Treebeard looked at Pippin as though he were the biggest idiot on the fucking planet.

“SIDE? I AM ON NOBODY’S SIDE. BECAUSE NOBODY’S ON MY SIDE.”

Merry and Pippin were astonished that the talking tree didn’t want to die for them.

“But Saruman’s armies are cutting down all the trees!” pipped Pippin.

“I’m sorry you little prick. What are hobbit houses made out of again?” Treebeard asked, astonished he was even going to have to explain this shit to the short hairy-toed fucks.

“…Wood.” admitted Merry, defeated.

“But trees don’t have feelings!” offered Pippin.

Treebeard once again looked at Pippin as though he were the biggest idiot on the fucking planet.

“The only reason I haven’t tossed you jabronis into the fucking pits of Isengard is because my brother-in-law wants to see you.”

“Who’s you’re brother-in-law?” asked everyone who’s familiar with the Tolkien universe and knows that Treebeard does not in fact have a canon brother-in-law.

“Gandalf the shitty-ass wizard.” said Treebeard, (This is now canon) “You haven’t seen him walking around with my sister?”

“Your sister’s his staff?” asked Merry, bewildered at how clever I am.

“Yes, faggot.”

“But she’s so small and doesn’t talk.”

“She gets a lot of exercise and what the fuck is there to talk about?”

“A lot of shit, actually.”

“Name one thing that’s happened on your journey thus far.”

“Gandalf DIED.” offered Pippin, attempting to surprise Treebeard like a dumbass.

“No he didn’t, he’s alive. See? You literally can’t name a single thing that’s happened.”

‘Boromir…’ thought Merry sadly. He decided not to bring it up, because Treebeard would probably just make fun of him. And not how Sean Bean dies in every movie he’s in. He’d make fun of the actual character of Boromir dying. Treebeard is in no fucking mood for this shit, and Merry knows it. Pippin doesn’t because he’s a fool of a Took.

“Our friend Boromir died!” said Pippin angrily.

‘You fucking idiot.’ thought Merry.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Pippin.” said Treebeard, as sarcastically as Entenly possible. “I know how much pain you must be in, because THOUSANDS OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE DEAD.”

“Fucking wrecked.” said Gandalf, who appeared before them in shining white…robes.

“Gandalf!” squealed the hobbits with glee. In unison, because I’m too lazy to write a unique line for each of them.

“Gandork, I thought we were skipping this whitey shit.” sighed Treebeard.

“What are you talking about?” asked Merry.

“He’s a White Wizard now, which is fucking useless. White men can’t fucking jump.” explained Treebeard.

“I can’t become a Black Wizard unless I die doing something bad.” explained Gandalf. Remember, this is all canon.

“Okay, so kill Pippin, and Merry will stab you.” said Treebeard.

“That’s literally the best idea anyone’s ever had.” said Gandalf, and he stabbed Pippin through the chest with Glamdring or however the hell you spell it. Fine, I’ll look it up… HA, I GOT IT RIGHT. I DIDN’T EVEN SEE THE HOBBIT MOVIES. I ACTUALLY REMEMBERED FROM READING THE BOOK YEARS AGO, WHICH YOU’VE NEVER DONE, YOU CASUAL PIECE OF SHIT. *except for Chris*

“Pippin noooo!” cried Merry, as he rushed over to his dead-ass friend.

“Now kill me, bro.” said Gandalf, and he pushed Merry like a bully.

“I CAN’T.” wept Merry.

“DO IT. OR I’LL KILL THE ENTIRE SHIRE.” roared Gandalf.

That did it. “RRRRRAAAHH!” yelled Merry as he lifted his pathetic little dagger to try to stab Gandalf.

But then suddenly, a bolt of…air… punched Gandalf through the trees.

It was Saruman.

“Stole your kill, bro.” he laughed with his booming voice. The entire land shook.

“And now I level up to Super-White Wizard.” he laughed again. Still booming.

And then, I don’t know, Gandalf walked through the trees toward them, wearing black robes.

“A Black Wizard versus a Super-White Wizard?” remarked Treebeard. “I think this is like, a tie or something.”

“There’s only one way to find out.” said Jango Fett, and he shot them both at the same time because he has two guns. It works out perfectly.

Gandalf jumped over the laser blast, but Saruman, still white, was unable to jump, and instead deflected it. It bounced into Merry, killing him. He was finally reunited with his dear friend. In elf hell.

Jango Fett flew away as the two wizards began punching the shit out of each other.

His new mission? To kill Frodo Baggins and steal the Ring of Power for his own use to become an invisible bounty hunter.

He flew into Mordor without having to stop to refuel because fuck, and he confronted Bilbo. I mean Frogo. I mean Frogo. Fuck, I typed it again. Frodo. He tracked Frodo and found him and said

“AH HA. I’M GONNA KILL YOU NOW AND STEAL THE WRING. WRING? RING.”

“You leave Mr. Frodo alone!” shouted Samwise Gamgee, the best fucking character in the entire story. But not even Sam could stop the wrecking ball that was Jango Fett, and he fell over, knocked out cold from a cock-punch from the best damn bounty hunter ever. Remember, he hunted down a rogue Sith and killed her like a dog. Just for money. God damn.

But when all hope seemed lost, a crucial element of the story comes into play- Sauron had used his giant flaming eyeball to follow the mysterious trail of smoke from Jango’s jetpack. And holy shit, “I SEEE YOUUU.”

The next thing Jango and the hobbits knew, they were surrounded by Nazgul. Oh shit.

To Be Continued.

Spooks in Space part II

Raymond was led off to prison while Rob was given a bigass gun and a medal.

“How’s it feel to be a hero?” asked Sergeant McMann.

Rob glowed with pride.

“It feels right,” he said, like a pompous jackass.

Suddenly, a bunch of goddamn aliens erupted through the wall. They shrieked in a horrifying alien language.

“Die Herrenrasse ist zurückgekehrt, um zu beenden, was wir begonnen, außer wir schloss er im Weltraum!”

“OH MY GOD, ALIENS!” cried Rob, suddenly the pussy.

The United Space of America was under attack.

Aliens flooded the galaxy from all sides and crushed the Space Marine battleships like rock crushes scissors.

But Sergeant McMann had a plan to make scissors cover rock.

“I’m sending you on a suicide mission,” he told Rob bravely.

“Hold on, I’ll get someone else to do it,” Rob replied bravely.

“Be quick, son. If they take this station, they’ll have a direct path to Planet America,” McMann said gravely.

Rob ran like the wind to find Space Judge.

“Space Judge!” he cried, “Space Judge! Where are you when I need you the most?”

Space Judge appeared in a flash of blinding light.

“What is it, my child?”

“Space Judge, I need you to release Raymond because I need to send him on a suicide mission.”

“I cannot do that. Raymond cannot be released until his 10 years are up.”

“Space Judge, please!”

“I don’t make the laws, asshole. I just sentence people to jail for breaking them.”

to be continuededed.