To celebrate Christmas, I’ve compiled the entirety of Star Wars: The Fett Awakens into a single pdf for your reading convenience.
Please enjoy, and have a Merry Christmas!
The officer was seated across the table from me. Petrov; a bigger and stronger man than myself, still better suited for field work than the paperwork he’d been doing since his recent retirement. He raised his eyebrows, looked away and sighed. He didn’t believe my account of what had happened last night. I don’t blame him for not believing me.
After a moment of silence, he repeated my story, trying to show me that it was ridiculous, as if I didn’t already know.
“A small girl,” he repeated.
“Killed seven armed men.”
“Yes, yes that’s what happened,” I insisted.
He sighed again. I knew it was over for me.
Everyone in the company had already drawn their conclusions; one greedy fuck decided to screw his teammates. Take the money, take the swag, and skip town. But then why did I come back and report the incident? Petrov must have questioned that. Maybe he thought I did it pass the blame.
“You asshole, why would I make this up, instead of something half-believable?” I demanded.
He frowned and crossed his arms. I read his mind.
“You’re not a stupid man, and as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been an honest one. But you have to understand my position here. Seven men with machine guns are dead, and the only survivor is saying they were killed by some, feral girl. In a zone where we’ve made countless expeditions of, and know there are no surviving inhabitants.”
There was no chance in Heaven or Hell that the higher-ups would let me go. Prison if I was lucky, but more likely execution for the murder of my three teammates. The company doesn’t give a shit about the bandits’ lives; if it’d just been their deaths, I’d probably get a medal instead. Stupid scum robbing and killing stalkers, and innocents, whatever shit necessary to keep themselves rich and drunk and happy. But now I was the scum.
Petrov suddenly stood up, and in entered two of the largest company men I’d never before seen. I was to be killed, here and now. Beaten to death like a traitorous bastard. Petrov turned toward the door.
I let loose a torrent of obscenities as I pulled against my restraints, pleading and cursing Petrov’s name. What kind of a trial was this?
“You fucking bastard! Fine, fine! Let me show you! I’ll bring you the girl!”
The men moved both sides of me. In my periphery I could see knuckles fitted with steel but I ignored my executioners and continued speaking to Petrov, who’d stopped moving toward the exit.
“And the bodies! No bullet holes!” I shouted, “Am I right? Their necks and faces and stomachs, you’re going to see the marks, just like I said!”
Petrov turned around and glared at me. I knew I was right. When the bodies had all been recovered and examined, they’d have found no wounds inflicted by bullets or knives, but by teeth and nails. Maybe with a gun, I could have surprised them all, but not with my bare hands. Like she did.
My story was inconvenient and wild, but everything must have pointed to it being true.
Petrov closed his eyes.
“You have one week,” he said quietly, pointing his finger at me, “I’ll have the gatekeepers give you a tracker so you can’t pull any shit. If you try to escape, you’re dead. Bring back this wild girl, alive.”
He walked out the door without another word. He was followed by one of the brutes, as the other released my wrists from the table. I let out a sigh of relief.
Before he left as well, he asked me,
“If you’re not bullshitting,
how are you planning on catching a girl who’s already killed three other stalkers?”
“AY! Captain! There be somethin’ in the sky!” called young the lookout from the crow’s nest of the Fuckin’ Boat, a small privateer ship crewed by the most talented men Jacob Jacobs had ever known.
Captain Jacobs opened his telescope and peered into the sky. Indeed, there seemed to be a big effin’ ship shaped like a stupid frisbee in the sky, flying the colors of Captain Alienschmo- the meanest sky-pirate to ever terrorize the entire planet.
“Listen men!” shouted Jacobs, “They mean to board us! Draw your swords and look out for their magic muskets!”
And then, twenty tiny grey aliens jumped out from the enemy ship, and started singing.
“WE ARE THE SPACE PIRATES, WE’RE GONNA TAKE YOUR SHIT.
WE’RE GONNA KILL YOU ALL AND DROP YOU IN A PIT
SURRENDER NOW AND DON’T HAVE A FIT!”
They continued singing as they engaged the human-pirates and the ship broke out in chaos as the aliens fired their big-ass laser guns, known to the men as “magic muskets”, which disintegrated any person unfortunate enough to get hit by one.
But what the aliens hadn’t anticipated was that Captain Jacobs had recruited these men because they were all experienced alien-hunters, wearing human costumes. With the speed that could only come from 8 legs, they ripped off their disguises and revealed their true forms-
giant spidermen, standing on 6 legs and dual-wielding maces with their other two.
“Oh fuckingg lord!” cried one of the aliens, and he shot himself in the face to escape the horror.
The aliens’ gunshots were ineffective against the spidermen’s armor, simply thudding against it weakly. The spidermen beat the ever-loving shit out of the remaining aliens, and took several prisoners, which they wrapped up in webs. Obviously.
“I’m such a fucking genius,” laughed Captain Jacobs, and he shot at the alien ship with a grapnel gun, hooking into its side.
“Spidermen, keep an eye on our prisoners. I’m going to board their ship and see what booty I can tap.”
The spiders hissed and nodded in acknowledgment.
Captain Jacobs had a huge fucking grin as he imagined what could be on the ship for him to loot, as the gun retracted and brought him up into the air to the alien pirate ship.
But suddenly, something struck him in his leg.
“Ow, fuck,” he said, looking down.
It was an arrow.
He looked down at his ship. It was being boarded by fucking mermaids.
“Oh shit, son. The mermaids are working together with the alien-pirates?” he whispered.
He could only hope that his crew could hold them off without him, as he reached the alien ship and pulled himself on board.
The Irish Pilot was able to steady the ship, dangerously staggered by the passion of Scientist Hulk and Sexy Scientist Lady #1.
“Ayy mon, dat be some good flyin’,” commented Rasta Rick, placing his hand on his shoulder as a sign of respectful camaraderie.
Irish Pilot recognized the sign of respectful camaraderie, and gave him a thumbs up.
“Aye sir, there’s no situation I can’t pilot out of. Me ma always told me ‘Son, you’ve got to learn to fly, and you’ve got to learn to fly right, or else there’ll be no potatoes in your future.”
Rasta Rick nodded solemnly. He knew too well of the old Potato Famine that almost eliminated the Irish people, whose life-force was powered by triple-distilled potato vodka.
Suddenly there was a scream, and everyone turned to see Scientist Hulk in the throws of a terrible seizure.
“He’s having a seizure,” noted Robert.
“Thanks Rob,” said Space Marine #1.
“How can we help him?!” asked Space Marine #3.
“We can’t,” answered Sexy Scientist Lady, “I was afraid of this happening. His body was not able to tolerate going from a 2 to a 10 in the looks department. He’s dying.”
Asia Bones knew what had to be done. He karate-kicked Scientist Hulk in the head with such force that his head exploded. Brain matter spattered across everyone’s face.
“Tank you, Masta Bones, for ‘avin da courage ta do what must be done…” said Rasta Rick, extending his hand.
Asia Bones shook his hand.
“There’s nothing that makes these bones of mine sicker than seeing another living being in pain. That is why King Skeleton must be put to rest for all time. To end this nonsense war, and bring back honor to my skeletal people.”
“We gun do dat mon, but w’out da Super-Space Marines, we cahn’t get true da fire an da flames mon,” said Rasta Rick sadly.
“No, my Rasta brother. There is a way. We can still turn the Robert into a Super Space Marine. Unlike the unattractive scientist dork skinnyfat virgin, Robert has a nice, full beard and is quite handsome. Who wouldn’t want to fuck him?”
“I don’t know,” replied Space Marine #1, rubbing his hand down Robert’s back slowly.
Rob sensed his impending molestation and grabbed the syringe from the dead scientist, jammed it into his arm, and karate-kicked Space Marine #1 in the head, knocking him out cold. He then lit a match, and pressed it near his skin. The flame shrieked and died. Rob struck a pose. He was finally tough as nails.
“SUCH POWA!” exclaimed Space Marine #3, “The skeletons won’t stand a chance! But how can the rest of us help if we’re not fireproof?”
“Inside a guard station on the planet is a valve that controls all the fire on the planet. If Rob can turn that valve shut, we’ll be able to land!” explained Asia Bones, “And after that, it’ll be a piece of delicious ice cream cake taking the rest of the planet.”
“MON IT LOOKS LIKE WE GOTA PLAN, MON!” cheered Rasta Rick, “Irish Pilot, bring us close ma brodda!”
“Aye aye, sir!” said Irish Pilot, and he brought the Space-helicopter in low.
Rob tore the door open and prepared to make his jump.
Asia Bones placed his hand on his shoulder. So much respect.
“How do you feel, my child?”
“I’m ready,” said Rob, “I’m ready to finally do something great in one of these stupid stories.”
to be continued…
Planet Bones was the spookiest thing the Space Marines had ever seen. It had bats flying all around it and it was covered in spiders and it was shaped like a giant skull that was on fire.
“We’ll need our flame-retardant armor,” noted Space Marine #1.
“No, human. The fire is far too spooky and hot. It will burn through your armor like fire through a flammable substance,” explained Asia Bones.
“Then what are weh goin’ to do, mate?” asked Irish Pilot.
“Isn’t it obvious?” asked Sexy Scientist Lady #1, “We can turn you into Super Space Marines, and you’ll be fireproof.”
“But no one has ever been able to survive that process!” objected Space Marine #3, and he slammed his fist into a table and it broke in half and a piece of splintered wood flew into someone’s eye and they shouted fuck and everyone stopped for a second to make sure they were okay, and they got it out of their eye and went to go lie down. That happened to Space Marine #4 by the way, who is Asian but that’s not important.
“Now what?” asked Rob.
“I believe Rob that you have the potential to become a Super Space Marine because your body has not yet been through the trauma of becoming a regular Space Marine, so you won’t die probably or something,” explained Sexy Scientist Lady #1 scientifically.
“Yes of course, it was so obvious, the answer was right in front of us all along,” exclaimed Unattractive Scientist Man and he injected himself with his secret Super Space Marine formula and turned into a big hulking sexy brute.
“Holy shit, take me immediately!” cried Sexy Scientist Lady in a state of uncontrollable lust, and she ripped off her white lab coat, exposing her supple, milky white breasts near-bursting out of her bra.
She clawed at her bra strap, but Scientist Hulk had already leaped across the Space-Helicopter at her, and with the force of his jump, pushed her on to the floor, beginning to sensually kiss and bite her body as they hastily tore off the rest of their clothes.
In their passion, the two did not realize that Scientist Hulk’s jump had pushed the Space-Helicopter with such force that it was now spinning through the sky, completely out of control.
As Scientist Hulk thrust his Super member into Sexy Scientist Lady #1’s warm, drenched pussy, the rest of the crew ran to their stations, and held on for dear life- like Sexy Scientist Lady #1 holding on and tearing into Scientist Hulk’s back with her nails as they moaned in complete ecstasy.
oh no what’s gonna happen who knows
to be continued.